Own Me

Chapter Twenty-One

"If you don't have any shadows, you're not in the light."

-Lady Gaga

♔ Chapter Twenty-One ♔

I stood on the very end of my old street, Brunswick Boulevard, staring down it one last time. The wind was picking up, but it was too light, too free. And the sun, I watched it droop further and further down, growing farther and farther out of sight.

From the end of the road, I had the most surreal view of the ocean than anywhere else in England. The street stood up on a slant, and if you stood at the very top, just like I was, your eyes would catch the most rare sight. That day, I stood still and I watched it so closely. I'd forgotten why. Even then, nothing else mattered. Just the view in front of me.

The sky was bursting with colour. Orange tickled in from behind the hot red of the sunset, melting into yellow and pink. I watched the clouds come in and dilute the sky like ink to water, curling out shades of lilac and white. I watched it grow darker, as the sun dipped into the horizon, sinking into the crystal blue English Channel. In minutes, the sky was a sheet of purple paper, smeared with the final few glimmers of the sun, and seconds later, it was almost gone.

That was when I felt him. His hand wrapped in mine, just like they used to. They were always so small, and cold, and shivering. The texture of his skin was the same, too. Soft.

I breathed, when I realised. I recognised his touch as soon as our skins grazed together. I wasn't even surprised to see him, to finally see him. I turned my head, and there he was, the only person I wanted beside me anymore.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" he asked, his voice tender, like the sound of wind blowing through a forest. "It almost makes me believe in Heaven."

"Almost," I agreed.

"It's good to see you."

"You too," I replied. "I've been missing you so much lately. So much it hurts, like it was only yesterday that you left me forever."

"I'm back, though."

There was a small interlude of time, until either of us spoke again. The wind whirred and time stood still. I felt, for a moment, like I was on the edge of the whole wide world, with Tom's hand in mine. That was when he spoke again.

"Can I show you something?" he asked, turning his head to face me. Our eyes connected, as he did. In his, I saw only the sunset. Dimming, slowly, forever. Or maybe that was just the tides, the blue hues mixing together like currents of the ocean, like waves clashing together, welding together, until they were one. And for a moment, I almost felt like we were one.

"Depends what it is," I answered, transfixed by the sight of him. Being away from him for so long, I'd never felt so relieved to see him again. It washed over me like water lapping up onto a beach, splashing my feet with soft sea-foam. I was bewildered by him, in that moment. Smiling. I was high; higher than I'd ever been.

"Somewhere special," was all he told me.

His hand was wrapped in mine almost perfectly, in that moment. They'd moulded into one another with precision, almost like we were meant to be together. It almost seemed like everything that had happened up until this point wasn't real. Almost.

It felt like my whole life was just leading up to this moment, this sunset, with his hand woven in mine, and with our fingers delicately interlocked. The more time I spent looking wistfully into his tepid blue eyes, the harder I was falling all over again. Seeing his lips curve upwards into a momentary and transient smile, so fast that if you blinked you'd miss the joy he was trying to hide on his face - that was why I wanted him so badly.