Lord Daddy ✅

Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – in which Voldemort reads the paper, Harry makes friends and Bob is suspicious

HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED: NEW HEIGHTS OF RUTHLESSNESS

By Rita Skeeter

It is your reporter's honour to shed light on one more of You-Know-Who's cruelties. Is terrorizing, torturing, killing and maiming no longer enough for the Waxen Warlock? It seems not. Witnesses have reported that during a raid in the suspectably-crazy Albus Dumbledore's secret headquarter, a child-made drawing fell from the Dark Lord's pocket. Is it a kidnapped child's cry of help? Or has You-Know-Who done the cruelest deed imaginable and generated offspring? Witness and member of Dumbledore's off-kilt Resistance group, Elphias Doge comments, "Some time ago, also during a skirmish, I heard Rookwood talk about a baby. If it is indeed so, there might be, at this very moment, a child suffering unspeakable cruelties at the Dark Lord's hands" he sighs with a grave expression, picking up his fallen pinkie. "We will do everything in our power to help him or her to escape, and to keep other children safe". That is their promise to us, but are pretty words enough against this new development?

Voldemort put down the paper. "Dolohov?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Did they just call me Waxen Warlock? And accused me of kidnapping children?"

"...I'm afraid so, my Lord"

"And is that the supposedly kidnapped child, suffering unspeakable cruelties at my hands?"

Dolohov turned to look where his Master was pointing. Harry was having a blast, riding Nagini and destroying everything in sight. Especially Voldemort's delicate-looking silvery artifacts.

"Um, yes, my Lord"

* * * *
RESEARCHERS REVEAL: THE TRUTH BEHIND YOU-KNOW-WHO'S CRMINAL IMPULSES

By Xenophilius Lovegood

Is the lack of a nose equivalent to the lack of morality? That is the question our ancestors have been wondering for centuries. The Wizarding Scientific Community seems to have found the answer. "After years of effort we've discovered the source of the Dark Lord's madness," says researcher Edwin McKinnon, brother of the late Edgar and Jack McKinnon. "We're reasonably sure that the GSRC, General Sanity Regulation Center, is to be found in the nasal zone of the human body. Subsequently, we can safely say that the Dark Lord's insanity is to be imputed to his nose, or lack thereof". So says Researcher McKinnon, but what can we do to counter this unexpected truth? Is You-Know-Who's noseless state unchangeable?

"Bollocks," declared Voldemort, burning the stupid Quibbler with a snap of his fingers. "Snape is just as bad as me, and yet he has plenty of nose"

* * * *

"Harry. I have considered everything, and I have reached a conclusion. You need a place where you can learn discipline"

Harry, his eyes wide and his Skull firmly in his arms, gasped. "You mean..."

"Yes" he said gravely. "You are five years old. It is time for you to go to school. Lucius!"

"Yes, my Lord. I shall bring him with my son"

And that was how Harry had ended up going to school. Rather than being a school, though, it was a gathering of young Dark Purebloods and a teacher. Of course, some of them he already knew, like Draco and Theo, but others looked at him distrustfully.

Suddenly, a little brown-haired girl with pigtails named Pansy took one step forward.

"My daddy could beat up yours anytime. He's a Hitwizard,"