Recovering (Kili FanFic)

Just Homesick

I nurse my sore wrist in bed for the rest of the day, too embarrassed to look at Kili sitting at the writing desk across the room. I'm not sure what he is doing but he is being quite serious about it. The sun is behind the mountain now, making it even more dark than before. Kili lights a candle. I can smell the faint smoke. I hate the dark. I want to heal the cut on his cheek, to make the pain I've caused go away... But really, there is nothing I can do. These dark caverns feel like they are pressing on me. I feel trapped. I wrap myself up tightly in the blanket and press my eyes closed, trying to squeeze the pain in my chest out. I just feel anxious, tingly all over. I just want it to stop. I want to be normal. The bed shakes as Kili sits next to me. I think he believes I'm asleep. I want out of these caves. They just echo with regret. They are the worst mix of Mirkwood prison and the dragon sickness. I miss trees. I can't even see trees here. Kili is looking at me, I can feel it.

"Kili," I say suddenly, breaking the silence. "I'm sorry. I do-"

"No, it's okay." He says, interrupting me. "We all know you didn't mean to."

"Let me finish." I say, sitting up.

"Okay." That is all it takes to let my resolve waver and I look at the ground.

"What is it Lari-sar?"

"I- I don't want to hurt your feelings."

"Nonsense, what is it?"

"I don't like it here." He looks taken aback.

"Is this just because of what happened this morning? You aren't thinking straight. You are just overreacting, everything will go back to the way it was." He pats my hand like you would a sick child's.

"Back what way? Back to running for our lives? Being trapped by a siege?"

"Back to yesterday."

"But I didn't like yesterday." I object bashfully.

"Fine! The day before that then." He says, annoyed.

"I didn't like that one either."
"What was so wrong with that day then?"

"You asked me if I would 'mind getting married in Erebor' the day before yesterday."

"And you said you didn't care. As long as you were marrying me you would be happy."

"That's because I told what I wanted to be true, not the actual truth."

"You wanted to go to Rivendell."

"Yes, that's part of it."

"Well, what is the rest of it?"

"I.." I look into his face, earnest but disappointed in me. "I'm sorry."

"What?"

"I miss trees." I say finally.

"Well then I'll get you a tree. The most magnificent tree! We can have the builders carve stone into a better than real one, it can be set with rubies and emeralds. It will be ten stories high-"

"No. You don't understand. I want something alive."

"Why? If it is alive it can die. Stone is immortal, perfect, stable.."

"Stone is what kept me in my room in Mirkwood." I say softly. "I miss trees. I miss feeling them pulsing under my fingertips."

"Azbada (lady I love), you're just homesick." He smiles. "Don't worry, I just finished writing a letter to your brother. He should be coming to visit you in a few days."

Maybe that's my problem. Just homesick.