The Black Girl

nineteen

The next morning I felt bad. I felt worse than bad, I felt horrible. I wish I could take it back but at the same time I find my self smiling at the thought of it.

My first time was last year, when I was sixteen. I was dating this senior and we dated for almost a year but then he went off to college and moved on, so I decided to do the same.

It hurt at first, but after a while the pain was muted by Lane's words and the trail of kisses he left across my collarbone. Then the pain was replaced with an uncomfortable feeling but he seemed to enjoy it, so I let him.

No matter how much I scrubbed my skin in the shower, I couldn't seem to wash the sin away. I felt guilt, regret and most of all I was confused.

Kim came over at eight, so we could walk to school together, and I wasn't sure whether to tell her or not seeing how she practically would never want to see me with Lane.

"Lane and I-" I started as we walked past a giant tree but she cut me off.

"You slept with Lane, I know, keep the details to yourself babe," She playfully shivers and throws me a small laugh.

"What? How'd you know?" I begin to panic, because it was possible that the whole school would know, and this would all be one total disaster but she brings me back to reality.

"I can see it on your face, and it was really just a lucky guess, I assumed it'll happen sooner or later." She shrugs, taking a bite out of a nutrition bar that she'd just opened, but her words make me sigh in relief.

"I don't know what to do, I really wish I could take it back," I sigh, holding on to my shoulder bag tighter.

"Wait, that was your first time?" Her eyes widen, and she spits out the piece of granola in her mouth for the effect of surprise.

"No, no that happened already, last year? When I dated Adam? I told you this already," I laugh.

"Oh, right. Well I think you should ask him where you guys are, is he still dating Laura?" Kim says as we begin to get closer to the school and people our age surround us.

"I don't know, I have my Chemistry exam today and should probably focus on that but I'll see you in History," I smile at her and she offers me a hug which I gladly accept.