This is What Happens (Formerly Hot Girl Meet Nerdy Boy)

Chapter 17: Hopeless

I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I hate the way I snapped at Alex. I hate the venom in my tone. I hate the way I yelled at him. I hate the way it ended. I hate the way his face was twisted, in a heartbreaking expression. I hate the way I made him cry. I hate my feelings.

I hate loving him. I didn't realize it before. I don't know how, I mean just being around him sends sparks through my body. How in the world did I not realize it? Anyhow, it doesn't matter now, because he loves someone else. Who, I have no idea but I know that it's not me.

He said that he cares about me more than I think. Whatever that means, it doesn't sound negative. But how is it positive? All of this thinking is hurting my head. And my heart. Pain shoots through my entire body.

My eyes are swollen and puffy from crying. My lungs ache for air they aren't getting. But I can't stop crying. Alex still lives here, of course, but we have been avoiding each other ever since he got home. He's been in his room, and I have been in mine. Today is only Wednesday, but I am not going to school.

It gets late fast. I didn't eat dinner, I wasn't hungry. I don't even bother showering. I just lay in my bed, and cry myself to sleep sometime around 3 AM. I only sleep an hour, and I was up again.

It is now mid-afternoon, sometime after school. I have 3 missed calls, all from Kaitlyn. Of course I didn't even attempt to answer.

She shows up afterschool, while I'm still snuggled up in my bed. She walks in my room and gasps.

"Hannah! What's wrong?" She asks hastily, concerned. She rushes next my me. I don't answer. However, I do sit up. "Hannah, answer me," She says sternly. A sigh escapes my lips. As soon as I open my mouth, more tears rush out. It's hard to talk about. I mean, I made a guy cry. And the whole thing was my fault. I love Alex, and I ruined everything. Every possibility, everything.

"A-alex." I stutter. She raises her eyebrows. I wish I could go back, stop it from happening. But I can't. It's over.

"What about Alex?" She questions, eyes filled with concern." I couldn't get any words out. It was like my tongue was being held down. She hugs me, and we sit like that for a few minutes, until I settle down enough to explain. I take a deep breath.

"W-we got into a huge fight. It was all my fault. He kept asking me what was wrong, and I snapped."

"Well, why did you snap in the first place?" I look at her through bloodshot eyes.

"I figured out something, that I didn't like. And I lost it."

"What did you figure out? How could it possibly be that bad?"

"Kaitlyn, I..." I trail off. She unconsciously leans forward the slightest bit.

"Yes? What is it Hannah?"

"Imaybekindalovehim," I cough all together. Yeah I know I'm childish, but whatever.

"What? You're going to have to speak up a little."

"Please don't make me say it!" I beg. I don't like repeating it. Not even to myself.

"Please tell me. You know you can talk to me about anything, you know that right?"

"Of course I know," I mutter.

"Spit it out," She demands. Best friend logic.

"I love him, Kaitlyn. I didn't realize it. I didn't know, I thought I just thought of him as a friend. Then, I realized the facts. When he touch's me sparks fly through my veins, when I touch him my fingers tingle. When I look at him I can't help but smile. He makes me blush with no problem, and most of all, he makes my heart complete. But he doesn't love me back," I ramble. She thinks for a second.