struggling➾ phan (complete)

3

i opened my eyes. my head was throbbing, and then all of the memories from mine and chris's conversation came flooding back to me. i was overwhelmed, i told him so much i didn't intend on telling anyone. 

i grabbed my head in both of my hands and pulled at my hair, trying to do anything to relive the pain. 

i heard someone walking down the stairs, i pulled myself together, and put on some sweat pants, leaving my chest bare. i looked up, rubbing my eyes.  it was phil. i smiled sleepily, and invited him over. he took a seat on the couch next to me.

"dan. i'm sorry i slept on the floor yesterday, i know you wanted me to stay with you but, i just didn't feel comfortable." he looked down, he looked ashamed, but i really wasn't that mad.

"oh that's fine, i'm r-really not mad, i'm sorry by the way."

"its fine but, i just. i don't understand why you can't stop liking me"

"w-what i-who, what?" i mumbled, my heart was racing. i never thought he would ever confront me about this. my worst fears were coming true.

he didn't answer, and we both just sat there in silence. it was extremely uncomfortable, and i really couldn't handle it, and i sat there, my hands limp in my lap. i felt the tears starting to prick at my eyes, and i let them fall. "i love you. i love you....i love you" i whispered to myself. i knew he couldn't hear me but i needed to admit it. i wiped my eyes, and looked over to him.

"dan, im sorry, i can't love you. i can't" he said, letting the tears spill down his face.

i nodded, and kept my head planted in my hands, watching more tears fall. "get away from me, p-please"

he nodded, and made his way to the stairs. he stopped and turned back, looking me in the eye. his cold, icy eyes showed not only pain, but it showed sadness, and regret. he tore the gaze and finally walked out, slamming his door shut.

"why'd i do that" i cursed under my breath, and went up to my room to think things over for a bit. i felt relief when i saw my bed, i fell onto it and embraced the cold and emptiness. i always manage to mess things up with phil. either way he wouldn't have said he loved me back, because he doesn't, and he made that pretty clear too. i should just give up on phil and try to find someone else. 

i don't think i'm even well enough to think about getting into a relationship, i'm not doing well right now. my mind is currently eating away at me. i think if I drink something cold it'll make me feel better. i stood up, and walked back into the kitchen. everyone was down there, even phil. i guess I didn't hear them leave their room. we made awkward eye contact, mostly when we were both trying to sneak a peek at each other at the same time. every time he looked at me i could see the sadness hidden inside of him, he probably saw that my eyes were red, but i brushed off the feeling of knowing he was sad and moved on. everyone kept talking as i reached to grab a cup, and got ice from the freezer. i let my head sit in there for a while, it felt good on my red cheeks. it was obvious i had been crying. i sighed and shut the fridge, continuing pouring the water.

 when i turned around, i saw that everyone's attention was on me. even if it was discrete, i could tell. i sighed softly, turning away from all of the looks and making my way to the cabinets which we had all the liquor in. i abandoned my glass of water and went for some jack. i had taken a liking to that one a few years back. it was strong and worked well to numb things but it had a sweet taste to it, much like syrup.

i took a seat a few seats away from chris and pj, with the bottle and a glass filled with ice. i preferred it iced, i found it was easier for me to down. though that's just me. i was barley legal to be drinking this, which im glad about actually. i took the glass in hand, and threw my head back, feeling the cold liquid flow through me. it took a few more glasses for me to start feeling nothing. i enjoyed this feeling, i forgot about phil, and i didn't feel the need to think only about problems all the time, which made my head constantly feel like it was going to explode.

i continued numbing my thoughts until i felt it was enough, because i could barley stand up without stumbling over. i had fallen on my hands, but got up before anyone noticed. they haven't been paying attention to me at all anymore, which i took as a good thing. i continued walking and toppled over onto the couch, laying on my back. much to my dismay, i had got the attention of pj. he walked over to me, shoving me off the couch i stumbled onto the floor, and he took a seat, and forced me back up. i was unable to do that and i ended up falling back onto the hard floor. it felt quite nice against my cheek.

pj sighed in frustration, massaging his temples "get it together, mate"

i laughed all too loud, and brought everyones attention to me. "don't 'mate' me. we're not mates" i yelled, causing pj to flinch.

"dan. dan" he grabbed me in an attempt to stop me from standing, but i pulled away, hard and forced his head onto the side of the couch. he groaned, rubbing his head and stood up. he tried to hold me back, seeing that i was trying to make my way to phil, but i pushed him aside, causing him to fall on his ass. he gave up then, deciding to sit aside and watch the shit show.

i hurried up to phil, poking my finger into his chest "you" i growled. my breath reeked of alcohol.

he sighed, and pushed me aside "dan stop. you're drunk" i gave up at this point. it's obvious phil doesn't like me so i guess ill just play around with him, just for the fun of it.

he began to make his way to his room but i ran up behind him and jumped onto his back. "i won't leave you philly!"

he continued trudging upstairs, with me laughing hysterically on his back, basically choking him. he ended up laughing along with me, when we were near my room. he pushed open the door, and threw me on my bed.

i was still laughing when we got up, and he began to put a blanket over me. i didnt pay any attention to him, but instead i was staring at the ceiling, giggling every second. he jumped onto the bed, putting on the blankets completely.

i looked over to where phil was leaned forward. our faces were intimately close, i could basically taste his minty breath. i loved looking at him this close, even though i could barley see, i noticed things i never did before, like how bright his eyes were, and how pink and soft his lips looked. i could just kiss him, but i won't.

"your cute" i slurred in a whisper and flipped back over, instantly falling asleep. before i was completely asleep i could've swore i heard a voice say "i think, i'm starting to think your cute too"

im sure it was just my imagination.

A/N

if you have any questions just comment them and I'll respond. i know this is messy and confusing.

~luke