struggling➾ phan (complete)

12

today, im meeting up with troye at a small restaurant a few blocks away, mainly because he's been messaging me nonstop and it's getting quite annoying. he says he needs to tell me something, which has got me really nervous.

i was already dressed, and ready to go, so i finished what was left in my cup of tea, and headed out.

i got there the same time as troye, so we ended up running into eachother at the door. i was more awkward with him than i thought i would be.

we took a seat at one of the side booths, both enjoying the soft sounds of the rain against the windows and the strong smells of coffee.

"dan, i have something to say" he sighed out, voice strained.

i nodded at him, encouraging him to go on.

"ive been thinking of ending things with phil"

the words seemed to flow slowly out of his mouth, painfully entering my ears. i thought this would make me happy. i could have phil if i wanted to. but i don't. do i?

his gaze carried on, as if he was waiting for me to respond, so i snapped back out of my thoughts, and quickly came up with a response.

"why?"

"i found someone else. phil's just been different, and quiet, i just don't feel important or happy when i'm with him"

"i'm sure you're very important to him troye" i said with a hint of frustration. i cant believe hes taking advantage of phil's love, if i was in that position i'd enjoy it as much as possible.

he sighed frustratingly, running his hand through his hair.

"i dunno, i just don't have feelings for him anymore"

"so why are you telling me"

he shrugged, breaking eye contact.

"i want you to be here while i tell him"

i bit my lip, nervous at even the thought of being around phil again.

"he's actually on his way right now"

i was confused about what he said, lost in thought, but i soon realised he would be showing up here any moment. he would have to sit next to me on this booth, i'm going to have to see him cry, i can't do that.

i began to shake my head, panic striking me, but i heard the door open and when i saw troye's face soften i knew it was phil. i braced myself, scooting as close to the wall leaving as much space between us as possible.

i felt the soft cushion of the booth sink in, at the weight of phil. my gaze was glued straight, but i could feel someone else's eyes on me.

"what's wrong troye"

"i've got something to tell you" troye looked down at his hands, the skin around his fingers reddened and ripped from chewing them.

i saw phil nod from the corner of my eye, and troye went on.

"i don't think we should see each other anymore"

"oh" he trialed off, looking down at his lap. i saw his eyes drop, the happiness drained completely from them.

the silence was growing awkward, troye kept coughing repeatedly, phil was silent, and i kept quiet, occasionally shifting closer to the cold wall.

i could hear phil stifling a sob, so i motioned for troye to leave. i started carefully moving over to phil, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. i felt his body move with every sob, and i felt like crying seeing him like this.

"im so sorry dan" he choked out, gripping my sleeve.

"it's okay, don't worry" i reassured, rubbing circles into his back. i knew he liked that.

he leaned into me, letting go of everything he's been keeping in. i comforted him, holding him tightly to my chest, feeling his tears soak my shirt, feeling his sharp, hollow breaths.

"i shouldn't have left you. i was being stupid. i never wanted to leave you, dan, i just couldn't love you. i didn't want to. but i can't hold my heart anymore. it's heavy, it's making me tired"

i smiled, mind scrambling for something to say. i can't stop myself from thinking of rejecting phil for what he did to me, but a part of me is happy. i have my best friend back, the man i love loves me back. but he betrayed me, how can i still trust him. 

i can find it in me to forgive him, give him a second chance.

"it's okay, i forgive you"

he looked up at me, new tears forming in his eyes. "y-you do?"

i nodded, smiling. he smiled back, wrapping his arms around my neck, and hugging me.

we stayed in each others arms for a bit, but decided to go home to help him feel better with some anime and takeout.

so we headed out, walking back home in a comfortable silence i was finally okay with. we both stayed far away from each other still, our shoes splashing in the rain, everything felt calm and okay, the rain drops on my cold cheeks felt refreshing, it reminded me of new start. i couldn't help but smile, raindrops fell from my eyelashes onto my cheeks again. 

i looked over at phil, he still had sad eyes and walked with defeat, but he looked calm in the rain and welcomed it with his hands. everything felt okay, i just hope its not an illusion. 

when we got home, phil was so relived to finally be back.

i put on death note, and waited for him to join me on the couch. he was back with a plate of noodles and chicken, which we picked up on the way back.

we watched in silence, both of us laughing occasionally, and i felt truly happy again. this moment reminded me of our old days when we would sit everyday and watch movies and just laugh without caring about anything. and we would sit close without being afraid of touching hands. and even though things wouldn't be the same, completely, i at least have phil back.

"phil?"

"yes, dan?"

"do you love me "

my heart was beating so hard it felt like it was going to break through my skin.

he looked up at me from the couch, his eyes flickering to meet my brown ones.

"maybe i do"

i smiled, and hugged his arm, burying myself in his vanilla scent. i was happier on this one day than i've ever been in these past few months, things are falling together again, and i'm glad to know that i have my best friend back, its funny how things can be okay all of a sudden. and no one says anything.