The Moment I Knew (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 19

Louis's POV

"Give me that, Zayn," I ordered, holding out my hand.

He stared at me.

It might have been because it was the first time I had spoken but it might have been because I was requesting one of his cigarettes.

I didn't smoke. I thought it was disgusting and it smelled gross.

The boys had been keeping careful watch of me, inviting me over to their different flats or houses every night. However sneaky they thought they might be, I knew that they were doing it to keep me away from alcohol.

I had terrible withdrawal symptoms because of it. My head pounded worse than it had when I had had hangovers and I just felt disgusting over all. Plus, I was extremely irritable and the boys knew not to talk to me unless I spoke first. Even then, it was risky.

I needed something to help me. I was beyond ready to snap, the intense emotions I felt swirled around inside of me and threatened to break out.

Zayn always talked about how smoking calmed him and made him feel a bit fuzzier.

I wanted to be calm and fuzzy desperately. It might not have been as good as getting drunk, but it would have to do until I could break away from this stupid prison.

"You hate these, Lou," he said doubtfully.

"I suddenly have had a change of heart," I drawled, "Just give me one for the love of God."

"That's a terrible idea," Liam commented.

"Who are you to judge what's a good idea and what's not? I want one," I snapped, "So just fucking give me one! It's not a big deal, Jesus Christ."

Zayn and Liam exchanged a look. Niall just sat quietly and bit his lip.

"I'm not going to get addicted to them or some shit, okay? Just one," I sighed, trying to shove down the unnecessary anger rising in my chest.

But I couldn't help but add, "One addict is enough for this band."

Zayn kept a blank mask on fairly well, but a brief flash of hurt passed through his eyes. I couldn't bring myself to feel guilty for it. All my guilt was geared towards Harry.

"Louis!" Liam barked.

I rolled my eyes at him.

I knew that Zayn wanted to stop smoking and that it was a bit of a sore point for him but I couldn't help myself. I was a mess and misery loves company.

"Whatever. It's true. Now give me one," I spat.

Niall looked a little bit scared of the death glares Liam and I were giving each other, but I didn't really care.

Zayn silently lit a cigarette and handed it to me. I smiled smugly.

"Go smoke it outside, Lou," Liam ordered quietly.

I shrugged and got up, making sure to close the sliding door to his balcony loudly.

I leaned against the railing and took a slow breath in. I'd smoked before, mostly while drunk, so I didn't choke when I inhaled.

I exhaled, watching the steady stream of smoke blow past my lips.

It burned my throat, just like strong alcohol did. It burned my lungs too and I decided that I liked the feeling. It felt like being burned alive and disturbingly enough, I liked it.

I looked over the railing and I contemplated just jumping. It was a messy way to go, but I really didn't care. I wouldn't be the ones cleaning my brains off of the streets. But then again, it would probably hurt for a few seconds before I actually died.