The Moment I Knew (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 25

A/N

Thank you all for your support for my little anti-hate rant.

Hopefully me putting that up in this book even though it isn't a chapter wasn't obnoxious at all.

Love you!!!

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Harry's POV

I woke up with a mission.

The mission was basically figuring out how to kill myself, which required me being smarter than the staff.

They had taken away everything dangerous. I couldn't use knives at meals, I couldn't wear belts, I couldn't shave, I couldn't have scissors, rope, any sort of medication, ties, anything made of glass and basically anything that had a sharp enough edge to hurt myself with.

There was probably more to the list that I couldn't even think of. The window had a screen in front of it so that I couldn't jump out and the mirror in the toilet was made of some sort of thing that wasn't glass but looked and felt like it. It confused me.

Even the cord for the lamp on the table was too short for any harm to be done.

A week after Felix left and the day after I had slipped into that dark sunspace, I had come out of it during the night and I spent the day thinking.

I only left my room for meals and to work out for an hour.

I wondered about hanging myself. It seemed like the only possible option. I thought about wrapping a sheet around my neck to do the job. But as I looked around, I discovered that there was no place to hang the makeshift noose from.

Cursing, I crossed hanging myself off of my mental list.

I paced restlessly around the room.

I felt weird. I knew I wanted to kill myself and just the idea shot little doses of adrenaline through my veins. I was excited, in a twisted way. My mind thought differently with the anticipation and I knew that I really wasn't thinking clearly or behaving like myself.

I didn't care.

God, I knew quite well how badly I was hurting people. I knew that forcing everyone through me trying a second time was downright cruel and if I succeeded, I knew it would be even worse.

But nobody knew just how badly I hurt. I hurt just as much as my friends and family and twice as much as that.

I hurt because I hurt them. I hurt because I had hurt Felix. I hurt most of all because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't let Louis go.

But he was so far away. Before I had tried killing myself the first time, just brushing against him had felt so right to me and he hadn't ever felt it like I had. It was like one of those dreams where no matter how fast I ran, I could never catch up to him.

He was Louis, though, and because he was Louis, I just kept running and trying to catch him.

Beautiful Louis. Funny Louis. Perfect Louis.

Eleanor's Louis.

But he wasn't Eleanor's Louis. She had broken up with him.

I smirked bitterly. The last time she had broken up with him, he had slept with me.

No matter how many times Louis broke my heart, I still patched it together, each time with more pieces missing, and I kept chasing him.

Until finally, my legs gave out and I had got up and chased after death instead.