In My Life

Chapter 34

The warm, summer nights were drawing to an end, and so came the frigid autumn evenings. I'd become so used to not needing a jacket, I hadn't even thought of taking one with me when I set out to find John, which I now regretted. My bare arms were open for the merciless winds to dance over, making me shiver with every step further down the street. I rubbed my hands across my icy arms and shoulders as I shuddered.

I'd had quite enough of today. All I wanted was to get home, climb into bed, and sleep eternally. What was their to wake up to anymore? Both Paul and John hated me, and it's not like Eric or any of the other boys would welcome me as warmly anymore. In terms of the Quarrymen, we were through.

When I finally reached the bus station down town, I checked the timetable to find the next bus didn't come for another 25 minutes. If sleeping eternally didn't work out, chances were, hyperthermia would get me first.
If the cold was not already numbing enough, I felt empty inside. Nobody wanted me. Nobody cared.
The thoughts of hyperthermia even began to appear appealing to me, as they drifted through my mind. It's not like I'd be missed.

I felt as young as a child by this point, making me yearn to be one again as life was so simple back then, and plonked myself on the ground to wait for the bus. I didn't see why not; the only people around to see at this time were the drunks.

Strangely enough, I didn't feel livid at anybody. I didn't feel upset, or in anyway teary. I felt no joy, no misunderstanding. Nothing.
Just emptiness. An endless void inside.

Maybe what John had said was true? And if so, perhaps a reality check was all in order. Everything which John had said to me recently had stuck by me, whether he was drunk or sober. Like when he called me self-centred, and said I'd hurt him. When he'd tell me to come close, and then again when he'd tell me to leave. He could be so gentle and caring one moment, and then so cold and hostile the next. He'd never been so complicated in all the years I'd known him before. It was as though he'd developed several other personalities.

Just as my eyes began to fall heavy from all the contemplation, and I was half way to drifting off, I felt something warm and fleecy cover my shivering shoulders. And soon after, something even warmer behind me, squeezing my body tenderly around my waist.

At first it occurred to me it could have been anyone. For all I knew I could have been getting mugged or kidnapped, but nothing of the sort seemed to bother me much anymore.

"I'm sorry darlin', I didn't mean it." A voice whispered in my ear.

I fluttered my eyes open again, trying to focus my blurred vision in what was almost complete darkness.

Behind me I vaguely saw John, who was knelt down on the ground beside me, holding me to his chest closely, and rubbing my arms with his thumbs.

"Is this a dream? Did I fall asleep on the bus or something?" I joked, unable to believe he was actually there.

John smiled slightly before helping me back up from the ground.

"Sam I'm sorry about the things I said." His said solemnly, frowning apologetically. "I do care about you. I really do. And I'll always be here for you and-"

"It's fine." I bit my lip, pulling into his chest for a hug.

He wrapped his arms around me, warming me greatly, despite the fact he'd already given me his jacket.

"I was just mad at you. I didn't mean any of it." He muffled into my shoulder.

"I know you didn't." I said, at ease nestled into his chest. "And I'm sorry for everything too. For making you feel neglected and favouring Paul, y'know?"

The grip around my back which he had tightened momentarily as I reminded him, before he pulled out from the hug, holding me by the shoulders.

"Am I still your number one?" He smiled hopefully. "Like you used to tell me."

"Always." I smiled back.