The worst things about having a crush on you

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1. The absent touches. Do they set your skin aflame like they do mine? Do they make you blush when you remember them later? Do you try to imprint the lightest of caresses in your mind so that you can remember every single detail later? Or do they mean less than nothing to you, just a brush of the knee or a slip of the hand? Do they leave you completely unaffected, without affliction or frustration? Do they bite into your skin for days afterward? Because they bite into mine. 

2. The meeting of the eyes. The way both of our faces turn red and we blink quickly, composing ourselves and looking at our shoes. The intense happiness I feel each time I look up to realize your eyes have been following me across the room. The even more intense humiliation I feel when you catch me doing the same thing. The times we look up at exactly the same time, and our eyes meet in perfect unison. The pauses and lofty quiet it brings, the way we quickly stumble past it, words jumbled and meaningless. Do you feel the same weight in those stares that I do? 

3. The laughter. The way your eyes crinkle as you smile at me like we have a secret, and how your smile widens when I grin back. The way your laugh sounds like a melody only you know the tune to. The pause as you grapple to understand some reference I've just made, then the laughter that rumbles from your chest and erupts from your mouth like lyrics to your favorite songs. The tinge of a laugh still on your lips as we talk. Do you laugh so hard at my jokes because they're that funny or because you feel bad that no one else is laughing? I don't know. I just know I don't care whether  or not anyone else is laughing as long as you are.

4. The talks. The eye rolls. The scoffs. The understanding head nods. The flirtatious smirks. The barely constrained sexual remarks. The blushing cheeks when someone takes it too far. The comments that mean nothing, and the ones that carry more meaning than words can contain. The comforting touch. The dejected but understanding smile of someone who gets it more than they want to. Do these talks mean as much to you as they do to me? Or are you just passing time, waiting for something better to come along? 

5. You. The way your fingers awkwardly probe your hoodie's pockets when I stand too close. The way you stiffen when you accidentally brush my side. The way your brown eyes look up close, the flecks of hazel I notice in them. The sound of your laugh, more melodic than an orchestra. The patchy excuse for a beard you attempt to grow,  and the way your fingers absently scratch it when you're thinking. The rough, calloused hands that are always fidgeting. The beanie that fits over your black hair easily. The innocent grin that expands so easily. The way you make me laugh and the silences that aren't so awkward with you. The intelligent comments you sometimes manage to get out amid all of the mundane conversations of the day. You.

6. Me. The way I have to over analyze even the simplest of things. The way I either think you like me or can't be bothered to remember my name. The way I roll my eyes and pretend to be annoyed by you to stay guarded. The way  I always manage to take the teasing a step too far. How my eyes sometimes look at you for too long and I know you must think I'm a creep. The awkward, cringe inducing things I do at least fifty times a day. The way my fingers hurt from grasping straws and I just want to ask whether you like me or not but I just can't manage to get the words out. The way I wish I'd say what I mean instead of pretending it is not there. The way I'll spend the next few weeks obsessing over you. Then I'll quiet that voice that says there's a chance, replacing it with self-loathing and anxiety. The way I'm always in my own way. Me. 

the worst things about having a crush on you // d.t.


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