Lighthearted♡

(Jai's P.O.V.)

I was able to leave the house without getting caught. It was pretty easy actually, with Beau grieving in his room and Luke watching a movie turned up on full volume, I was able to grab the things that I needed before sneaking out the back door.

As I walked further away from my house, I felt sharp pangs of determination spread throughout my chest. I had to do this, and there was nothing that would be able to stop me.

At some point I did turn around, glancing at a small little dot in the distance that was once my house. I was growing further away from the place that I grew up, and a part of me felt saddened because of that. I didn't even get to say goodbye to them.

Though yet again, I'm sure it would've been much harder to leave if I had done so.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for their sake, and that there's no other way. What's planned must happen, no matter what.

I continued my walk, staring straight ahead with purpose written clearly on the features of my face. Snow began to fall as well, the stupid white snowflakes only encouraged me to continue with my task. Winds began to blow harder, and I could feel them hitting my body, yet I couldn't feel their assumed harsh temperature. To me it only felt like warm breezes kissing my cheeks. Though, the icy limbs that fell from trees and frozen leaves that flew over my head only proved that indeed the air was cold. Very cold.

It's very strange, because even though I can't feel the frozen temperature around me, I'm pretty sure I have ice in my veins. Not only this, but I have blood in my eyes, love on my mind, and hate in my heart. Internally, I'm a mess and I hate myself so much.

I hate the fact that my body hates me.

The fact that my body won't let me feel pretty snowflakes, or the snowballs I once used to cup in my hands.

The fact that my body refuses to participate in the drinking of hot chocolate.  It's always just flavored milk in a mug that steams just to tease me.

I hate myself for not appreciating the fact that I should be "lighthearted".

But whatever. It is what it is, and what happens next will be just that.

So, I continued my walk. Ignoring the strange noises from the dark ends of the forest that I had walked into not long ago. The backpack on my back grew heavier with every step I took, but by readjusting it every now and then I managed just fine. Nothing would be able to stop me from my next actions. And once I saw a very familiar ledge that kissed the drop to an endless bottom I heard all about from Uncle Theo and his stories, I smiled. It was "The Lost Boy's Ledge", a place Uncle Theo always told me about, but never took me to see it in person. 

Reason being, it's where the lost boys fall.

Uncle Theo had always said to me,

"Champ, even if worst comes to worst, I beg you never seek The Lost Boy's Ledge. Even if it seems like life will never get better, it will. You just have to wait patiently."

Though I'm done waiting. I've waited long enough and I still hate every breath that allows my body to live. I'm sorry Uncle Theo, but enough is enough and I can't do this anymore. There's no hope for lost boys like me. I'll never be found, and there's no need for Beau and Luke to waste their time on someone who will remain lost forever.

My own body hates me. What do I have to fight for? Beau and Luke will be just fine. Probably better off actually. So you know what? I'm doing them a favor.

You're welcome boys.

Walking closer to the ledge, I could feel the weight of my backpack grow much heavier than it has been on the entire journey. Like the backpack itself was trying to prevent me for continuing my plans.