Don't You Wanna See A Man Up Close? (BoyxBoy) [Book 1]

Chapter Ten - Come For Me

Velleitie:

(n.) A wish or powerful desire for something that nonetheless is not or cannot be followed by actions meant to persue it.

Chapter Ten - Come For Me

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I wouldn't dare to say that this is better than having sex with Adrian, but it comes damn close to it. Lying down with him and just looking at the stars under a blanket is surprisingly nice and I decline every offer for food or drinks, I don't want to let go of him.

We haven't said a word since we came out of the pool, both with big smiles on our faces. And it doesn't even bother me that there's nothing being said, because feeling him near me is enough for now and it feels strange. I have never really felt that way towards anyone, not even Conner or one of the other boys.

The heat of his skin radiates off of him, warming my shuddering form up. My head rests on his chest from where I am lying on my side, one of Ian's arms wrapped around my waist to keep me close to him while the other rests under his head.

But the feeling of having him near me, a random person that I hooked up with once, makes me want to cry. I want to feel loved and I know that this is a lost case. Adrian's a stripper and a good looking one too. So even if I wanted him for myself, he would probably never give up his job to be with someone like me.

And even if it might seems selfish, I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him grinding on someone else even if there would be no feelings involved. I want someone to myself, to love and to hold as if he's completely mine. And yes, he might just start to love me after a while, everything is possible. But then still he would have his job, one that brought us together, but will drive us apart again for sure.

I softly shake my head as I think about all the possibilities. I shouldn't be thinking like this. He's a simple friend, nothing more and nothing less. I met him, hooked up with him and went on with my life. And I want myself to believe just that, but I know that I cannot simply put it at that.

"Would you be able to love?" I dare to question Adrian as the silence suddenly becomes too much for me. And I wait patiently for his answer, scared of the rejection I might get.

"I would, maybe. But I wouldn't give my job up for anyone. It has made me who I am today and I am quite happy with that," Adrian's answer seems almost too honest and I don't get why I feel disappointed as the words register in my mind.

"But if your heart would go out to one, how could you hump some other?" My voice comes out a lot harsher than anticipated, but Adrian's expression stays the same.

"It's just that, humping someone and entertaining them. I am not there to give my heart to some random stranger or to hook up with every cute guy I see. If I would give my heart to someone, that someone would have to live with the fact that I had that particular job, I wouldn't have sex with anyone but him." He seems so sure of his answer, as if he knows that he will find someone to share his heart with. As if someone would accept him for the work that he does.

And I would doubt him if it wasn't for the fact that I was already heading in that direction. I wouldn't be surprised if I would be the said boyfriend who would have to endure sitting alone at home while he would be at the club.

"Why do you do what you do?" I ask him quietly, even though I am pretty sure that he wouldn't want to answer me.

"Because I like what I do and it gives me the opportunity to like myself, because other people like me. Other people come for me, to see me being me. To see what I am best with, stripping."

His words seem steady, but the way he says it makes me doubt him. As if there's a whole lot more after his story than just wanting to be liked.

"You like me right? Then I have a question for you; why?" His question catches me of guard and I immediately try to create a bit of space between us, but his strong hold on my waist won't let me.