The boy who knew too much (BoyxBoy)

chapter 11: Drunk

It's a beautiful day, and I know I'm losing it, wasting it. But I don't care. I can't care. It means nothing to me. Not when William's gone. Not when I feel like this.

Not when it feels like I'm falling.

No. Let me rephrase that, I am falling. Into a big, dark chasm of my own heartbreak, despair and self-pity. The worst part of it is, is that I'm still stupidly longing for William. I want him to come save me. And I hate it. But there's no running away from it, I've already tried.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I've been walking around town in a fog since I left the clearing, which was hours ago. I'm still wandering aimlessly. Lifelessly. Like a ghost. That's what I feel like, a ghost. Empty, soulless, and insignificant. Yeah, that's me.

I should probably go home. I need a shower, among other things, but I just can't bring myself to walk in that direction. My feet just won't take me that way. Instead, they take me around and around the main part of the town for hours and hours. I don't stop, not even to eat.

Eventually, I end up in front of a liquor store. I'm not really sure how I got there, subconsciously, maybe, but, whatever. I don't care. It's dusk, I'm exhausted, and suddenly in the mood to get really, really drunk.

I manage to convince some guy to buy me a bottle of vodka, and for some reason, I head back to the clearing with it. Maybe because it's far out of sight and there's a slim chance someone will find me. Truthfully, though, I don't know why I go back there. I just do. Perhaps I'm a masochist.

I sit down under a tree, the same tree William and I were under last night, and take a large gulp from the bottle as I stare out across the clearing. It burns going down. Good. Unlike what William did to me, this is pain I can control. I take another sip. I know it'll only take a few more before I'm drunk. I don't make a habit of drinking, so I have no tolerance for it. Plus, I haven't eaten all day.

I take another sip.

It's a warm night, but I feel cold. Cold, tired, and lost. Lost, that's a big one. I feel completely lost without William. I'm serious. What am I supposed to do now? I don't know where to go now that he's not leading me.

How pathetic. I'm pining for the guy who tore my heart out. And not to mention I went to the place where he did it to get wasted. How stupid that was of me. Everywhere I look, I can only see or think of William. And that hurts...so fucking much. But I can't bring myself to leave, so I guess I really am a masochist. God, this night is going to be torture. But at least my eyes are dry.

At least I'm not crying.

Yet...

I know it's ridiculous, but I can't stop looking over my shoulder and all around. I keep hoping I'll see William coming back to me with that beautiful smile on his face. It's a stupid thing to do and hope for, since I know it won't happen. But I can't help it. Maybe it's because the alcohol has already gone to my head...no, wait. There's no maybe about it. The alcohol has already gone to my head. My brain's fuzzy and my thoughts are sluggish. I feel...what's the word...?

Numb. that's it. I feel numb. Well, my body does at least. I'm physically numb. Emotionally...no, I'm not. I still feel. Feel like shit.

I take another sip of the alcohol. I'm not drunk enough yet. And I won't be until I'm completely numb. I won't be until I forget this feeling, until I forget everything.

 Until I forget William.