Tragically Beautiful

3 Months Later

My name is Lauren Allen. 

My friends used to call me Laurie, but I don't really have any of those anymore. 

My younger brother used to call me L, but he doesn't speak to me. 

I live with my aunt Louise, who depressingly enough lives close by to my old school. You know what that means? Aunt Louise keeps saying it means, 'You get to go back to your regular life." But what it really means is, I have to go back to a school where everybody knows me. I get to back to a school full of fake sympathy, and comments full of, 'I'm sorry for your loss.' 

What no one has a the guts to say is, 'Wow Laurie, you killed you parents, well done." 

Why did summer have to end? Why did I have to go back? I asked Louise these questions over and over until she burst into tears and said, 'I don't know how to help you Lauren, I'm not your mom." Then I cried. And so did Lance, my 9 year old brother, but he didn't come down stairs. 

***

"Dinner's ready!" Louise called from the kitchen. I felt bad for her, not only was she young, young enough to look like my older sister, she had to get another job when Lance and I landed on her doorstep. I wanted to help with the cooking and cleaning but I didn't have the energy. 

"Thanks Louise." I said as I took in the plate of food in front of me. It looked delicious, Louise's homemade chicken curry always was, but I didn't have an appetite these days. So I did what I always did, what Louise pretended she didn't notice, I played around with the food and then fed most of it to Hulk, Louise's pug. 

"Lance asked about you today." 

I instantly reacted. "What did he say?" 

"He just asked me if you were okay." Louise smiled kindly and for a split second I thought I was going to smile, but I didn't. This was all my fault. 

"Lauren I've been talking to your school an-" 

"And I'm moving?" I asked in a rush. 

"No, but-"

"Then I don't care." I placed my plate on the floor for Hulk to lick up, he wagged his tail with appreciation. 

"They want you to see the school councilor." Louise looked prepared for any objections I had, but I didn't voice them, what was the point? 

"Fine. I'm going to shower and then I'm going to bed." 

I grabbed two towels from the cupboard upstairs. A few minutes later I was drowning out my thoughts in the shower. 

***

This time last year, I was awake before everyone, the excitement of going to school kept me awake that entire night. This year had some similarities. I was awake the entire night, but not from excitement, from nerves. 

"We're leaving in 10 minutes!" Louise called, and I instinctively went for my make up bag, but of course it wasn't there seeing as this wasn't my old bedroom and my make up was still packed away in a box at the back of my new wardrobe. With a sigh, I glanced at myself in my bathroom mirror. My blue eyes looked drained, and the bags that hung below them were were so big, I felt like they were weighing me down. My brown hair flowed down my back the way it always did. No matter how much I neglected myself, my hair always stayed the same. Long and wavy and bright. 

"Let's go Allen's!" Louise called again. This time I looked at myself in the long mirror in my room, plain jeans and a dark blue sweater. I may not be comfortable with any of this, but at least I'm comfortable in my clothes.