The Test

Chapter 9

I look at the old stone grey houses with a fresh pair of eyes.

I have not been in the Abnegation quarters since the attack and I didn't really get a chance to take in my surroundings. Too focused on not getting myself killed.

Having lived as a Dauntless for over a year, I hadn't realised until now how far I had come and how much I had changed until this very moment.

Although nothing has changed in Abnegation. The grass is green and always trimmed to perfection, there is never a spot of litter on the ground and everything is neat and tidy. Nothing has changed and I like that. I feel as if it is a small act of defiance from them, the attack has not and will not change them.

There are pairs of people walking together towards the city with baskets of food carried tightly towards their fully clothed bodies. Food for the factionless, food for Evelyn.

I mustn't have a friendly expression on my face as each person takes one quick glance at me and their gazes fall to the ground.

"Sorry." They sidestep out of my way, still not meeting my eyes.

Then I remember, that's how they're supposed to act. How I was supposed to have acted.

Passing through the familiar houses my heart contracts and I feel an unwelcome pang of homesickness. I have never once regretted the choice I made to defect but I miss home, I miss my family.

I wonder how Mom and Dad will react when they see me. Will they be proud?

I arrive at the front door and knock tentatively.

The door opens widely and my mother's steady gaze looks me up and down.

"Beatrice" She says softly.

Her body moves to the side, no longer blocking the entrance and giving me room to move into the house. No longer home.

The door shuts quietly behind me and my mother envelopes me in an embrace. Emotion overwhelms me and I can't help the choking noise that escapes my throat. She leads me through into the living room and motions for me to take a seat.

I've never fully appreciated the soft colours of my old home in all its calmness, so uncomplicated. It truly is so different from the craziness of Dauntless, the cold jagged stone of the hallways, the darkness and the loudness.

I realise I must have been taking in my surroundings for a few more moments than would be socially appropriate as there seems to be a quiet lull in the room. All the while my mother has been observing me patiently. Not speaking a word, selflessly letting me have time to remember my old life.

She begins, "I knew you would come here eventually."

"Did you ask Ava to tell me everything?"

"Yes, I knew it was time to tell you after the incident." She speaks the last word with an edge to her voice, looking towards the floor. As if she could mask the anger from her eyes.

Anger is too selfish I feeling for Abnegation. Anger is directed at another person, therefore much too self-indulgent.

"Why didn't you ever tell me you grew up in Dauntless?"

"What was I supposed to say Tris? I wanted you to live the life you wanted and that's what you're doing. I didn't want to influence your choice."

I understand what she means, underneath all my feelings of hurt that she never shared her past with me. Sometimes it feels as if I didn't really know my mother at all, but should she have told me about her and Dad, her friends growing up and exactly what it was like in Dauntless? Would I have made the same choice? Probably. But how was she to know that? I kept my feelings well hidden, even though sometimes she saw right through me.