For Me This is Heaven (Camren)

Chapter 7

The days following our phone conversation were...confusing, you could say.

She said she missed me and as conflicted as I was about the entire situation I actually kind of believed her. I felt like I shouldn't have because of how abruptly she had ended things between us. But she still couldn't give me an explanation at that point so I didn't exactly know what was keeping her from being with me.

Perhaps we really were better off not being together.

That thought crossed my mind only a few times and didn't linger. It was hard to keep that mindset. It's always hard when you love someone. It's almost impossible to let them go. You'll even know, like truly know in your heart, that you probably are better off without someone who keeps hurting you but there is always something that keeps you hanging on.

And God knows when you'll finally let go.

It took me a while. And to be honest I don't think I ever even made it to that point. I know there were times when I was completely fed up and thought, hey, you know what, maybe I deserve better than this. But I just wanted Lauren and me to go back to the way we were before everything went up in flames faster than a rag soaked in gasoline.

Maybe it would have been easier if I had just cut her out of my life as she wanted to do with me. And I mean cut out completely. It was the only way and I knew that but I was just so hopeful, to the point where it was almost sad, and I wanted to believe that she would come around and realize us being apart is a mistake.

And I really thought that it could happen at one point. After we had talked on the phone I didn't know if her telling me she missed me was a good thing or a bad thing. I didn't know if that meant that there was a possibility we could be friends.

It doesn't make sense, I know, and when I think of it now I realize how silly it was to be that hopeful when she had made it clear that we shouldn't even be in each other's lives. For God's sake she told me she wished she never met me. What was I supposed to think of that?

I wanted to talk to her again but at the same time I didn't want to push her further away. It was ridiculous; I was afraid of doing something to make her leave when she was already long gone. I didn't even know why.

So, I didn't call and I didn't text and I didn't bother to find out whether she went back home or if she decided to shack up with Normani. Dinah had told me she said she crashed at her house a few times and after a while I thought it would be better if I just didn't know about it anymore.

One thing that should have infuriated and frustrated me to no end but looking back it was actually really sweet, she still came to see me play at Murphy's.

The first Thursday after I spoke to her on the phone I saw her sitting in the same spot at the back of the bar. I had become so comfortable playing in front of people by then but I remember I had to just look down at my guitar the whole time.

I had a better time getting through my set than the previous Thursday but I still felt nervous and sad and confused and I didn't understand why she was even there in the first place. I finished and actually managed to smile and thank people for listening to me. And when I noticed she didn't get up right away I made my way over.

Her green eyes were on me, watching me as I approached her. I couldn't read the emotion on her face. And I don't even remember what the emotion on mine was. But I was getting more anxious with every step I took. I sat on the empty stool beside her with my guitar still on my back.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, very bluntly, and she didn't even seem fazed. She sighed and moved the straw around in her diet Coke. "I know you know I've seen you here before too."