For Me This is Heaven (Camren)

Chapter 18

I had thought NSHL were the only four letters I couldn't stand.

I remember back in our freshman year of college when we had just moved in together it took us a while to get settled. I don't know whether it was coming to a new school or being somewhat independent for the first time in our lives but it wasn't exactly a smooth transition. Of course she had been hiding her illness from me at the time but it was only just starting to rear its ugly head back in her life then.

I had at one point thought it was something I was doing wrong. We were a couple of teenagers in love; why wouldn't we be happy finally living together? Maybe I had high expectations that we just couldn't possibly live up to. I guess I had the tendency to be a wishful thinker but I didn't know any better.

We were a little overwhelmed to say the least. College brought on a whole new workload and Lauren had to try that much harder to hide the cancer from me. I wondered if the stress of hiding it only hurt her even further. It was pointless to wonder anymore though. If it did then the damage was done.

I'm dying either way.

Reality was too harsh sometimes. But living in a dream world was not an option. And I realize that it never was and never would be, for me or for anyone.

I was worried. I had wanted it to work out and I probably spent entirely too much time thinking about what was possibly wrong instead of just enjoying my time with her. I mean, it wasn't until towards our sophomore year that she started pulling away from me and acting strange so I really should have taken advantage of our last few sane months before she just up and left me without any explanation whatsoever.

It's hard to pinpoint exact moments when things change when it comes to situations like that. But there are certain memories that stand out where you stopped and thought you know I think everything is going to be okay. Those moments were getting less and less frequent as Lauren's cancer got worse but I still hold onto those moments I did have, especially from before, as simple as they were.

Sometimes moments would come to me when I have never considered them before. I'd hear something or go somewhere or see someone and I'll remember and it sticks with me every single time, like I am just slowly constructing a collection of moments that I can hold onto when I need to be reminded of instances where things didn't seem so hard.

There was one day I was in the hospital with Lauren in her room. It was one of the better times I had gone to visit. She wasn't feeling particularly well but she was in a content mood. Partially sedated, she was lying on her side and drifting in and out of consciousness as she groggily insisted that I play the guitar for her. At one point I was thinking of what to play next when she started humming a familiar tune as her own form of a personal request.

And it was her lazy humming that brought the moment back to me.

I was struggling to figure out what was going wrong that had made us seem like a typical old married couple in college. I would go to class and work and so would she and when we would come home to each other I just felt like something was missing. I didn't even know if she had felt the same way then but I'm pretty sure she was on some level aware as she had certain things on her mind. I never said anything to her though.

It was a Monday night; I remember it exactly. I had been working most of the day managing the phones in the counseling department of our school. I had come back to our room expecting her to either be sleeping or doing her homework as I had planned on doing. When I opened the door I was instead greeted by loud music and my girlfriend in a surprisingly upbeat mood. To say I was shocked would have been an understatement.

I stared at her for a few seconds and then blinked when I realized I wasn't imagining things.

"Uh...hello?" I had said just as she started singing. She had a raspy tone to it but I had always loved her voice anyway. "Lauren?"