Stay With Me

Okay Lang

M A I N E

We drove on the road silently, your hands clutched around the steering wheel while I busied myself with what was outside the window. Buildings blurred into houses, and then into trees — a mix of grays, whites and greens against the backdrop of a sky tinged with purple and orange as the sun began to set on the horizon.

I usually find comfort in this type of silence, the type of silence shared between two people that don't feel the need to fill the gap with endless small talk because being with each other was enough. But as I find myself deeper in the symphony of the engine rumbling, the radio humming and your fingers tapping on the edge of the steering wheel, the more do I want to open my mouth and ask: Why?

I buried my face in my hands and felt your fingers poke the curve of my shoulder. "Huy," you said. "Anong iniisip mo?"

"Na kung sa hotel mo ako planong dalhin, sana may condom ka ding dala."

"Meng!" If you stepped on the breaks any harder, the seat belt would've made a tiny scar on my chest.

"Joke lang." I breathed out a chuckle and finally turned to look at you. "Saan ba tayo pupunta?"

You shook your head and moved forward without answering my question. "Basta. Do you trust me?"

"I'm honestly slowly leaning towards the hotel idea just because of that question."

"Grabe siya. Do I look like the kind of guy who'd do that?"

"No, but it's just," I trailed. You pursed your lips into a line and glanced at me while you made a right on the corner. "You never really do this."

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"

"Ito, yung outside of KS or mga shoots natin na magiinvite ka mag hangout. It's a little weird for me." I sighed and began to play with a loose thread on my jumper. "And medyo feeling ko that you're only doing this kasi nga, ayun, parang consolation? Consolation prize kasi baka what I said could be too much for you and instead of saying it all back or saying the things that you think I want to hear, dinner na lang tayo, ganun..."

Your soft chuckle lingered with the cologne you always wear and it threw me off for a second because how much it encompassed me.

"It's not funny."

"Medyo funny siya."

"Seryoso ako."

"Alam ko. Kaya nga medyo funny."

"Bakit?!"

"Because it's not true." You drew in a breath and parked the Porsche before turning around to face me. "May tiwala ka ba sakin?"

"Tinagalog mo lang yung sinabi mo kanina."

"Ano nga?"

"RJ, I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

Your face broke into a grin and like a kid in a candy store, you got out of the car and ran around to open my door before I could even say: Wag na, I can do it.

You took my hand in yours and started to guide me along this vast land with freshly cut grass and sprinklers going off on either side of us. Even under the moonlight, I could see the foliage of trees that surrounded the land and hear the cars whiz along the highway that was just right past the chain-link fence surrounding the area, their headlights creating shadows that sometimes brushed your face and then mine.

"RJ?" I said, barely above a whisper when I realized that I just stepped on a grave. "RJ!"

"I was going to cover your eyes pero sabi mo na takot ka sa dilim."

I was about to say something when you suddenly pulled me flushed to your side and began to guide me across what I concluded was a cemetery.

I know I said that I'm afraid of the dark, but this time, with your thumb drawing circles on the small of my back, it wasn't the dark I feared but you. Because whether I wanted to admit it or not, there was no denying that your touches only remind me of how you are as close as you are far from me.

"Konti na lang, malapit na," you said and I nodded, holding my breath as I relished in the warmth of where your breath had been seconds before.

I looked up the sky the moment you let me go to look for something — someone, noticing how the stars burned brighter and twinkled to form constellations I only saw in books.

"Meng, tara, I want you to meet someone."

I looked away from the stars and watched as you bent down to swipe away the leaves that fell down your mother's tombstone. "Hi, Ma. Pasensya ka na po wala akong dalang flowers, biglaan po kasi eh," you said in a tone I've never heard from you before. "Si Meng po pala. Yung kinikwento ko po sayo the other day. Yung friend ko po, I brought her here para ipakilala sayo."

I stepped forward and reached a hand out as if I was going to shake her hand. "It's nice to meet you po, tita."

We both chuckled and looked at each other warmly. I wanted to take a picture of you then and keep this small moment that was so precious and fleeting inside my wallet since I wasn't sure when I'll see it again.

Right out of nowhere, you took my hand and pulled me right next to you so that we can look at the stars and take in the beauty of it all. I wondered if one of them was your mom and if so, does she like what she sees?

I felt the warmth of your body wrap around mine and I tried to rid myself of the thoughts of how romantic this all was despite the fact that we were in a cemetery. That at its core, tonight was all about two friends staring up the sky and enjoying the peace that surrounded them.

It pained me to come to terms with the fact that being friends is all you and I would ever be.

"Meng?"

"Mm?"

"I brought you here kasi feeling ko na if I say what I'm going to say in front of my mom, there's a higher chance that you'd believe me."

"You're right."

"Sabi mo sa poem mo na ayaw mong lokohin kita, ngayon pa lang, Meng, I promise you that I'll never do that," you started. "Na hindi kita paasahin or iaakyat para lang hatakin ka pababa. I know I've said things to you during KS and I know how confusing everything is. Sa totoo nga lang, it frustrates me how this...thing we have came in such a weird sequence kasi ngayon pa lang aaminin ko na, if things went my way, I would've done things differently."

I looked away from the stars and found the strength to look at you.

"The things I say in KS, lalo na pag mga weeksary or monthsary, ako talaga yun. Si RJ yun. Yung nagkakafeelings sayo, yung laging ikaw lang ang iniisip," you said. "And I know na medyo selfish ang hihingilin ko sayo ngayon pero Meng, I hope na...as of right now, to know that I do have the same feelings for you is enough."

You hovered your hand above mine and I pulled away slightly, wishing that you didn't see.

But you did.

"I'm sorry, Meng. Tingin ka sa akin please?"

And I did.

"I love you. I know that this is the shittiest way to say it but I do," you said. "And I'm sorry na ito lang ang mabibigay ko sayo ngayon. I'm sorry na yung mga paraan para mapakita ko sayo kung gaano ako kaseryoso sayo, sa harap pa ng buong bansa ko pinapakita kaya ganun na lang kahirap para sayo na paniwalaan ako."

"Okay lang."

"Meng, naman."

"Okay nga lang," I said as I pushed myself off the grass and created some distance between you and I. "May mga bagay na mas kailangan mo munang unahin bago tayo. I understand."

"I promise! Babawi ako, ng sobra sobra. Babawi ako. Ilalabas kita, we'll go out on dates — "

"As long as hintayin kita diba?"

You pursed your lips into a line and stood behind me. "Kaya ko naman, Meng. Just... not now. Meng, pl — "

"Okay nga lang," I said as I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat and turned to face where you parked the car. "Hatid mo na ako. Maaga ka pa bukas."