Stay With Me

Us VS The Universe

M A I N E

I stepped over tombstones and old graves. I heard the crunch of fallen leaves and dried flowers underneath my feet, my eyes sometimes glancing at faded names engraved on slabs of marble stretched out over this vast land your mother is buried in — it was a long walk back to your car so I've picked up quite a few:

Camillo III...Adelaida...Rosario...Mamerto...

The name Emma caught my attention far longer than the others have considering she died when she was two.

"Meng!" You called out, your voice distant the farther I walked away.

John Mert...Gregory...Gina...

"Meng!"

The breeze started to pick up and I instinctively reached for a cardigan that wasn't there. Goosebumps rose from my wrists, right up to the bend of my elbows and then towards the crook of my neck I always imagined you'd place your head in if things weren't this...messy.

Your heavy footsteps started to sound louder, quicker. You wrapped your fingers around my arm and pulled me towards you. Not close enough, I thought as I kept looking at the black Porsche sitting under the orange light of the lamppost.

"Uy, Meng, ano ba, sayang naman yung gabi. I thought you'd like this."

I tried to pull myself off from your hold but you wouldn't budge. "Meng."

You said you loved me for the first time, in front of your mom — of all people — and then followed it with a 'but'. I didn't want you to see how it made me feel like I was hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer, didn't want you to see just how much the pain of knowing that I can't be enough for you to give me as much of your time as I give you, made it so hard for me to breathe.

"Anong ginawa ko?"

I hung my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. I can't find it in myself to get mad at you. And I really want to. I do. I want to yell at you. I want to tell you how tired I am. I want to tell you that sometimes I want to give up. I want to not be patient. I want to not understand. "RJ, umuwi na tayo please? Maaga pa tayo bukas."

"Hindi tayo uuwi until you tell me what's wrong." You turned me around to face you and I looked past your shoulder. "Nakakatakot ka na huy."

"Understandable. Ang dilim kaya dito sa sementeryo."

Your frustration flashed in your face like a bright neon sign in Times Square. "Is this about what I said? Meng, sabi ko naman na babawi ako. Na mahal din kita, pero yun nga, hindi ko lang mabigay sayo yung hinihingi mo."

"Indulge me ah," I said. "What exactly am I asking from you?"

"Na ikaw yung unahin ko?"

"Diyan palang mali ka na." I yanked my arm away from you and started walking towards the car.

"Meng, paano ko aayusin yung problema kung hindi ko naman alam? Kung wala ka namang sinasabi?!" You called out. "Tangina naman oh!"

I turned back to see you brushing dirt off your pants. "Meng."

"Can you still drive?"

"Of course!"

"Are you sure? Kaya ko naman."

"Oo nga sabi eh," you huffed as you walked towards me. "Please stop changing the subject."

You reached your hand out and I backed away, your lips pursing into a line as your fingers curled into your palms. "Meng," you said, pleading. "Let me in. I want to fix this and I need you to want to fix it with me. Hindi pwedeng ako lang magisa."