Carpe Diem

Fourteen

14.

"N-No..."

"Saying no won't stop me, Cheyenne... Look, I thought that if years will go by, I'll forget you. I can forget you. That's why I didn't force myself to erase you in my mind... I never forget your full name which I wrote in a piece of paper too many times. And when they offered me to star in this movie and mentioned that you're the writer, I immediately grabbed the chance because I'm hoping that after all those years of wondering why you left without a word, and why you're always on my mind, maybe you could give me some answers. Only to find out that my feelings for you grew and became intense; that it's more than I like you. It's more than I want you... I think I'm falling for you, Cheyenne. I'm falling to this pretty but fragile girl who doesn't want to be with me because she's afraid she'll hurt me in the end."

Woa... Woa... Woa! Hindi na kinakaya ng puso ko ang mga rebelasyon niya. He's talking so much and my head is spinning.

Okay na sana yung gusto niya ako, eh... Pero ang nahuhulog na ang loob niya sa akin? It shouldn't be happening!

Muli akong napabuntong-hininga. "Keith... I know you're tired, m-maybe you sh---"

"Yes, I'm deadly tired but I chose to go here and tell you how I feel... Please, don't push me away... I want us to talk." He look pained while saying those words, as if he's so scared I'll tell him to go home.

Muli kaming nagkatitigan pero ako pa rin ang nagbawi, katulad ng dati. Ano'ng gagawin ko? Ano ang tama? Ano?!

Hindi makapag-isip ng tama ang utak ko dahil sa mga sinabi niya. Ang puso ko naman, mabilis lang ang tibok at nae-excite sa mga mangyayari pa.

Wala sa loob ko ang inabot ang boquet na kanina niya pa inilalapit sa akin. Inilapag ko iyon sa center table at muli siyang nilingon.

I saw some relief on his face after accepting his flowers.

"Please sit down... What do you want to eat?"

Pero mabilis siyang umiling at nagtanggal ng jacket. "I don't want food. I want you... To talk to me." I need to let out a deep sigh following his intense gaze because I can't breathe.

Naupo ako sa parehong sofa na inuupuan niya, ngunit pumwesto sa kabilang dulo. Naisandal niya ang likod sa malambot na sofa pero hindi niya inalis ang mga mata sa akin. Na-conscious naman ako dahil hindi ko alam kung ano'ng iniisip niya, kung tama bang humarap ang isang babae sa isang lalaking nanliligaw na naka-tshirt at pajama lang?

Hindi. Wala naman akong pakialam kung isipin niya yon. Eh ano kung hindi niya gusto? At hindi ko naman siya pinapunta dito. Wala siyang pasabi na nagpunta dito.

Usually, kapag may malubhang sakit ang isang babae, matuturn off ang lalaki at iiwan niya ito. Dahil ayaw nila ng responsibilidad. Hindi nila nae-enjoy ang companionship nito dahil sa istorbong sakit na meron ang significant other nila. Ganon ang mga lalaki. Ayaw nila ng istorbo. Ayaw nila ng boring. Ayaw nilang ma-obligang mag-alaga dahil hindi naman sila nage-enjoy sa ganon. Ayaw nilang nahihirapan sila. And Keith, knowing that he's a well-known model and now an actor, I can't see him as a guy who's willing to commit to a relationship with a girl who's seriously ill and might leave him in grief when that unfortunate time comes. I can't see him choosing to take care of me instead of having fun with the things he usually does. I can't see him as a guy who can love me despite my worst condition.

Mataas ang tingin ko sa kanya. At para sa akin, hindi ako ang babaeng nararapat sa kanya. Hindi ako bagay dahil sigurado akong magiging pabigat lang sa kanya ang isang tulad ko, kapag nagkataon.