Escaping the Void

Chapter Six

Throughout the whole night, I keep my eyes shut, but I don't sleep a bit. Trevor's arms are wrapped around my waist and he nuzzles his face into the back of my neck. He doesn't usually do this, and if he does, I've probably always been too deep in sleep to ever notice.

Instead of sleeping, I go over my two, critical life choices; Either I stay here with Trevor, marry him, and try to get him help, or I test the waters over is Bingley with Mariah. I might as well admit that I still have some feelings for Trevor. I know that if I didn't, I wouldn't have said yes to him. I still love him a little, and a part of me does want to marry him. I truly do believe that he can change for the better, but then again, what if he doesn't? What if we end up bringing a child into this world, and he ends up beating the both of us? I can't risk that. I don't think I could bare it if my child were to ask me why daddy was hitting mommy and I had to give an answer that didn't upset him even more. I know Trevor has a tortured past, but that does not justify what he does to me. 

I can't go through with this. It would be a complete sham of a marriage. So I'm still going to Bingley. 

I can't get the feeling of guilt off of my chest, though. I should have just said no to his proposal. But how could I after he just poured his heart out to me, after he reopened all of those wounds for me? I can't even fathom what he would have looked like if I were to say no. But that's nowhere as bad as him coming back home from work this evening only to find me and all of my belongings gone. I wish I didn't have to put Trevor through this, but he caused it on himself. I wish I knew how to help him. But it's either me or him, and I've chosen him far too many times.

My thoughts are interrupted by the shrieking for Trevor's alarm clock. He stirs a little bit as he groans and wrangles his arms from around me. I pretend to be fast asleep as I feel him get out of bed. He turns the alarm off and trudges off to the bathroom. After I hear the door close, I open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling. It's five-thirty AM. Right after he leaves, it'll only be a matter of hours until I'm all packed and ready to leave with Carter. Even though I should be happy, I have the sudden urge to cry. This is way much harder for me than I expected. Why must I love the man that hurts me so much? It's kind of funny when I think about it, though; Trevor thinks him and I are getting married when in all actuality, I'm trying to get as far away from him as possible. 

He comes back out of the bathroom, and I quickly shut my eyes. I hear him rustling through the closet to put his work clothes on. His job must be a bore for him. I know he doesn't like doing construction work. He always wanted to be an artist. He absolutely blossoms at drawing. He used to do it all the time. Sometimes he would let me watch. It's amazing how his simple hand strokes can create magnificent masterpieces. Yet he always throws his drawings away right after he's done. He doesn't think he has any potential. I've told him countless of times that he does, but he won't budge.  Now it's just a warm memory for him to think about now and again. 

 I almost flinch when I feel Trevor's hand land on the side of my face. He leans over and gently kisses my temple. "Love you," he whispers. Does he know that I'm awake? Does he do this every morning? 

His lips and hand leaves my face, and I hear him walk away and close the room door behind him. I don't move a muscle until I hear the front door shut, letting me know that he's officially gone. When I do hear it, I jolt myself upright and furiously rub at my eyes like it'll make the situation better. I just sit there as the silence nags at my ears. It's so quiet. Too fucking quiet. I reach over to my phone to play some music. I flick through my song list and tap on one without even looking at what it is. Then the song "My Sweet Summer" by Dirty Heads came on. I used to love that song, but right now it just makes me feel awful. The song's about the person finding love in all the wrong places, but it still feels like love all the same. But their significant other ends up leaving them for someone else with no remorse.