Being the best

Waking up

All through maths all I could think about was Nathan and not in the way you are probably thinking. I was worried about him, it was just the look in his eyes and how he dashed away. There was no sophistication or swagger to his walk, it was just pure desperation to get to his destination.  The sad thing was that no one truly cared about how he felt, it was mostly just about what happened. Apparently he had texted Caleb that he was at home due to some bad news.  He wouldn't expand on what the bad news was but we all expected it was something to do with his mum who was bipolar. She was always in accidents , not intentionally and Nathan and his dad were very good with dealing with the scandal, like when she answered the door on a withdrawal day wearing nothing but tights, pants and a hair pin to a surprised postman.  My mum was always telling me how tough it was for that family and what terrible things they had had to go through.  Nathan was brought up in a household of 5, he was the youngest, at the age of 18.  His mum was diagnosed with post-natal depression right after Nathan's birth, she was found leaning against the bath tub, crying and screaming and saying that she didn't no what to do. Her bipolar disorder was only discovered when Nathan was 16 after she attempted to commit suicide due to maniac hallucination and extreme mood swing. However these were very rare now a days and when ever she saw my mum she would always be happy and would explain that her mood swings were under control and that she was doing well.

That was another thing that was bothering me. Nathan's mum was and looked fine at the moment so I going on the assumption that it is nothing to do with her and that it must be something else. It must of been someone close but that look in his eyes was terribly broken that it must of been something that didn't just affect him it physically hurt him. I knew that look . I had felt that look, it was the look I saw in my eyes everyday since... No, it doesn't matter, I'm better and Nathan isn't,  I need to help him, I won't let history repeat itself.

When I got home I told mum about Nathan and she just shook her head as though confused. She told me how she had seen Julie this afternoon in Waitrose and she seemed fine then because they had gone for coffee after and she was all happy and even offered to pay. So unless something had happened between 2- 4 I would have to assume nothing to drastic had happened.  But my gut consiece was telling me something was wrong and once I get something between my teeth I can't drop it. So I facebooked messaged him (yes I know, its ancient but still.) "hey you okay?" I wasn't expecting a reply because he had proabably been bombarded with that questions since his lunch time sprint out. But he did in about 5 minutes which was quicker than I usually can even compose an idea of a message in. "Yeah I'm good, why?" he answered, I gave a little smirk there, I knew he wasn't. "Just happened to see your lunch time sprint, you sure your okay? it's not as though I'm goin to tell anyone and it's not as though I'm going to laugh, is it. You and I both know I am not that kind of person." he replied then but still didn't answer my question "yeah that's true, how are you btw been a long time Ves, you still being careful?". I shake my head and feel a small smile grace my lips. "stop avoiding the question Nathan, you can't trip me and yes of course I am, I'm not your problem anymore so stop worrying!" I send that but then reread it, thought I sounded to brash and sent an apology "I'm sorry that sounded horrible, I am just worried about you and you won't tell  me why!" he replied back in seconds, " Vesper, I get you are worried but right now I can't tell you so just drop it, I will tell you what it is if you tell me how you are and don't lie to me and as you no, neither am I the telling on people kind of person." I didn't reply and he didn't ask again.

But as I lay on my bed that was all I could think about was him, I know it sound weird but he was running through my mind and it made me think about what we were and what we could of been. I miss him, yes I admit it, I miss him, he was different, he made me feel thing and do things that no one else could and for that I owe him. I wonder if he misses me too, I mean, we were toxic for each other and nothing good could of come off what we were but god, I miss him and need him, I want to be able to wake up and see his face and his gorgeous eyes looking back at me and know that I am safe in his arms and know the devils at every corner won't get me again.