Cancer Sticks

2

A Tuesday, of all days, was his day. Not exactly their day. David knew what he was doing, already. This hadn't even been planned. The television, currently muted, didn't matter anymore. It had only been a temporary entertainment before they started. Dahlia, Jasper's tutor didn't show up for a few hours. It was up to David to lead the way, being the more experienced one, and Jasper had been excited up to this point. As they lay on Jasper's couch together, though, Jasper unbelievably, impossibly, felt sick. Not with nerves. A whole different form of sickness from repulsion manifested itself right in his gut.

"Wait, hold on. Stop. Fucking come on, David, I said stop!" Jasper struggled to sit up and push himself away.

"What, I thought you were all for this." David let Jasper go and sat up on the couch. He looked on at Jasper expectantly.

"Yeah, well now I want to stop," Jasper kept his eyes trained just behind David, making sure not to make eye contact. He kept his jaw set tense and crossed his arms over his chest. He felt too exposed, even with clothes on.

David huffed a little. "C'mon, I thought you liked me. What's the issue, now?"

Jasper shook his head. "I just want to stop, that's it."

David moved back to be closer to Jasper and leaned down to meet his eyes, "Why? You were all excited before that we were gonna do this."

"I just... I feel like... Like my parents are going to walk in any second," Jasper dawned on the perfect excuse. How could that be argued with? David knew as well as anybody that Jasper's parents would lose it seeing Jasper on the couch with someone, let alone another guy.

"Then let's go to my place. My parents aren't home," David responded almost immediately. He went to grab Jasper's hand, but the smaller boy pulled away completely.

"No. I don't want to."

"What?" David straighten up in his seat, suddenly just as tense as Jasper.

"Are you fucking deaf? I said I don't want to. If I can't even get you to leave me alone now, why the hell would I want to go anywhere with you?" Jasper moved to stand. He felt his face flush and made little fists he knew he would never use.

David rose along with him. "I just want to know what the real issue is, here. Are you just nervous or is it something else?"

" I don't have to explain myself to you. This whole thing was a mistake. Why don't you go?"

"Why do you always overreact when you're embarrassed? Can you please just tell me what's wrong?"

Jasper kept his eyes straight on past David, "No."

"What, that's it, just no?"

"Just no."

David sighed. "Fine, Jasper. I'll just go."

Jasper nodded and let David pass him to head towards the front door. He didn't turn to look as David put his shoes back on, or when he heard the door open. He didn't move a muscle until he heard the car in the driveway start up. Once he heard that, he sat back down on the dingy beige couch and brought his knees up to his chest. What the fuck was wrong with him? He liked David, and he'd been the one to ask David to come to his house for this. But as soon as they'd started it all just felt so... Wrong. Not because of David or anything else. Just generally wrong, even repulsing.

Now that he thought about it, Jasper couldn't recall ever having a desire for this before his spur of the moment decision. Not with David, or anybody.

He groaned and pressed himself back into the couch, praying just to sink through it. Tutoring was in an hour and he felt like dying.

***