The Song Stories

"Sick And Disgusting" by Beartooth

alright this is awful but I haven't uploaded in a while so here you go.

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no matter how hard i tried i couldn't form words. i open and closed my mouth, trying to formulate the words, to compose even a partially understandable sentence, phrase even. but i can't. i looked them in the face, i looked further than just their face, i looked into their eyes, i tried to read their thoughts.
i didn't have to stare into their eyes to know that i'll never be forgiven. they'll never see me as theirs. and then it came to me. not quite the strong sentence i wanted to grandly usher. it was simply, "dad, i don't want to be sick and disgusting". i said my words and they said words back, but I heard not one of them. after my mouth closed with the final syllable, my mind in-turn closed.
so i walked. i walked. and walked. until i reached the lake.
there were fond, childhood memories at this lake. but i am no longer a child, nor anywhere near a feeling of fondness, let alone self-worth.
i don't think before walking into the lake. i want to say i feel the water seeping uncomfortably into my shoes, on my pant legs, but i cannot feel a thing. i walk far enough until the water is up to my shoulders.
i can't do this anymore. i can't wait for the day until i've reached my limit. i can't wait for the day that someone will love me. i'm not afraid anymore. i'm terrified.
i can't be among everyone the way i am. i cannot be the weed in the bed of roses any longer. nor can i be the poison slowly draining the life out of everything that has once touched me.
i cannot watch the ones i love suffer in front of me, knowing that it is i who is the cause. so i must not cause them pain any longer. I know i love them, but i know they can't truly love me. and i know the day i let them, will not come.
it is not they who have pushed me to this breaking point, it's me. it's always me. so i debate so strongly into taking the next few steps, falling back. losing myself amongst the ripples of black, coming alive with the light of such celestial beauty as the moon. and i could end all suffering, i can dream endlessly amongst the moon-kissed waters. so i take a step. and i step yet again. one more step. the water crawling into my mouth. and with one harsh swallow, one deep breathe of air.
I Can Feel.
I wrestle with the waters to release me as I wade my way to the dirt. The water creeps into my mouth, my ears, my eyes. I can't do this. I can't. I'm too much of a coward. I will stay. I will stay until my life is ripped from my clutches. I will fight. I will be loved.
I will stand taller, and I will wait. Because one day I will be loved. I will be loved. I will...

and i slipped, i was a mere ten feet off shore. and i slipped. my foot got caught in a small cavern in the water. i was dragged under. i tried wrestling my foot, yanking, grabbing, tearing at my jeans. but it would not come loose. so up i stared. into the moon. but i did not just stare into the moon. i read it. i saw the true beauty of the world. i read it. and i knew, no one in this world loved me. and this world has had enough of me. but now i can be one with the moon. i can make the black waters shimmer with life. i am no longer of this earth. i know that as i watch the last air bubbles
escape my mouth and nose. i know as i no longer feel anything. i know because there is nothing but black.