Everything has changed.

Chapter 15: Facing your fears

     Have you ever felt as though things are too perfect? Like you are waiting for something bad to happen because you have never been this happy before. I absolutely hate that feeling but fortunately I have not felt it at all since the end of tour. I feel like I'm on a honeymoon. I come to my apartment and sometimes Taylor is there and sometimes she isn't. But something that reminds me of her is not hard to find, especially the notes she leaves all around the apartment for me to find. I love my life. I love not knowing if whatever Taylor and I have will continue on forever, because honestly even if it was not going to, I would still love her as hard as I do right now. I would still cherish the days that I get to wake up beside her and yearn for her the mornings that she is absent. 

     Over the past few months it has become somewhat of a routine, Taylor and I. When time permits we spend loads of countless hours together and when she or I have to go away we count down the days until we can see eachother again. We have become your typical couple now-a-days, except that our story wasn't as easy to write as others. It wasn't a fairytale and it definitely was not easy by any means, but I am still just as excited to tell our kids the story of our love. The great story that is still being written today and the story that almost ended in ruins.

     I had just returned to my apartment from the studio and as I walked in the door I expected a note to be lying near the coffee maker but all I found was the window to the patio open. I dropped my stuff and went to close the doors but before I did I found a lanky blonde women with her arms over her legs, staring into the distance with an emotionless expression painted across her face.  It took me a second to realize that this was the same girl that is always so lively and bright. I walked further out the door and almost whispered, "Babe. Are you okay? You feel sick?"  Taylor didn't even look at me, just kept staring.  "I guess you could say that."  I walked closer to her and you could physically see her shutting down. She did this when she had a lot on her mind or she had a big decision to make. As soon as I realized that this was happening I continued towards her and sat down right in front of her with my arms mirroring her own.  "Why do you think that bad things happen to good people?"  I lightly brushed her arm that was filled with goosebumps,  "I don't know love. But I sure would love to figure that out."  She slowly nodded, almost robotically while saying, "Me too Ed, me too."  I had never seen anyone so numb before. I swear a gun shot could of gone off close by and she wouldn't have flinched. I knew not to pressure her into telling me what was going through her head, she would let me know on her own time, so I decided to do the only thing that came to mind. I got up and held out my hands to Taylor,  "Come on love, let me make you some tea and you can get warm. It's too cold out here."  I had no idea if this idea would actually work but I thought it was atleast worth a try. I could see her hesitate, but despite her stubborness she was freezing so she took one of mine hands and let me lead her back inside the warm apartment. 

     I had made her cup of tea and was just finishing mine when Taylor placed her cup on the table and started circling her finger over the lip of the mug. I could tell that she wanted to say something, but I wasn't ready to force her to say anything so I sipped my tea and stayed quiet.  After a few short minutes of this I decided a distraction is maybe what she needed.  "Hey, do you want to watch tv or listen to music for a little bit. I've got the new One DIrection CD."  Usually this would make her die laughing, and although it probably wasn't the right time for a joke I thought I would atleast get a giggle out of her. When she got up to put her cup in the sink I went to the tv to turn on a movie. I was just settling into the couch to wait for Taylor to arrive when I saw her making her way to the stairs. I watched as she took the second step up to the bedroom, "Tay. where are you going?"  As she looked back towards the living room, I finally saw the look in her eyes. She look defeated and I had never seen her look so pale and drained before. I got up from the couch and she glanced down at the stairs like they were the most interesting things in the world. Before I could walk towards her she tightly closed her eyes and a few stray tears fell onto the carpet. As she opened her eyes, she looked towards my direction,  "I can't pretend that we will be like this forever Eddie. I wish I could tell you that after this tour is officially over that we will still see eachother every week, every month but I just can't. I can't promise you something that I don't have any control over."  I was stunned. I had no idea that the tour could make her so upset, it wasn't until later that I learned why all of her doubts and worries were coming to the surface now.

     I knew that reassuring Taylor wouldn't do anything right now so I said something to make her hear me,  "It's your career, your life, you have control over every single aspect of it."  She looked deeper at me, with a look in her eyes that only means one thing; no.   "You can't say that. You can't make me feel like that. You know that I take my job too seriously some times, I work hard and you know that if I had to choose, if I had to choose between a relationship and work..."  I didn't want her to finish. As she balled her fist while still standing on the stairway, I could tell that she was exhausted. I finished her sentence,  "I would never make you choose Taylor, I would never do that to you because I know what your choice would be every time. I just want you. I want you in my life, I want you by my side. I honestly need you by my side. There isn't a second in the day that you aren't on my mind, "I wonder what Taylor's doing, I wonder if Taylor remembered to feed her cat, I bet Taylor is debating whether to have kettle corn or icecream right now."  It is a constant game of what is Taylor doing and it plays in my brain every single day. I have never thought about someone as much as I think of you."  Her shoulders slumped and she slowly curled into the stairs like a small child would do with their mom. I rushed over to her and as she cried, I held her and told myself that I would love her with all of myself with the rest of my life. She was mine and I was hers.  "Taylor, I know a lot of things are going on right now and I know that what we have isn't easy. But I hope you know that I love you. I love you more than words. I want to see you walk down a white aisle towards me, I want to see you hold our first child and many after that, I want to sit with you and watch the sunset in our favorite rocking chairs. You are it for me. There is no one else I want to spend the rest of my days with. If it is just me and you till the day that I die, I will die a truly happy man."  As her body fell into each tear that she shed, I could tell that I put into words everything that we both have known from the first meeting. As her body shook with sobs I shed a tear as well and my voice became hoarse as I said, "I am not letting our careers change what we have. Famous or not, you are my soulmate and if I could marry you tomorrow, I would."  Taylor turned towards me slowly and her eyelashes were stuck together from how hard she was crying. In a soft voice like that of a little girl she said,  "You would?"  I closed my eyes and nodded my head to answer. Taylor simply breathed in and brought me close to her. She hugged me. The most simple gesture that a person can give, but one of the most meaningful. Finally she almost whsipered,  "My Uncle was diagnosed with cancer again and he died this morning. No one in my family told me because they didn't want me to stop the tour and fly out. I didn't even get to say goodbye Ed. I'm just scared that something like that is going to happen with us. You are going to be away and all of the sudden it isn't a we anymore, it's just a you or a me. I'm scared. So scared Eddie. I physically can't lose you and that alone scares me more than any fear that I have."

     My mom used to always tell me, If you don't have any words then prove with your actions everything that you want to say. I took Taylor into my arms and I kissed her like it was the last time that I would ever see her. I showed her that no matter what happens in this crazy whirl-wind world, one thing would always be true; my love for this beautiful and crazy girl in my arms would never burn out.