The Planet That Wasn't

Unforgiven

I wake up, rubbing the sleep away with my flattened hands on my face, like I was splashing it with water. I place my hands at my side, sitting up, and I yawn. I stand up. I remember last night, and think about all the scientists I talked to about the new world and things we could do to help prevent repetition of previous tragedies. I go into the locker room, running my fingers through my hair with my left hand; I do that a lot, it's how I brush my hair, basically.

I reach for my toothbrush, and put toothpaste on it. I put it under the faucet, and quickly turn it on, then off. I put the toothbrush in my mouth, and start brushing my teeth with my right hand; I continue running my left hand through my hair, fixing it in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. I left the locker room, to get some clothes, but I stop.

My left hand still in my hair, half through a brush, my right wrapped around the toothbrush, I stare into brown eyes. Brie's face turns bright red, and she puts her hand over her mouth, snickering. I suddenly remember I'm in my boxers, and I get mad.

"GET OUT!" I yell at her, throwing my toothpaste at her. She doubles over, laughing. I grab my towel off the rack next to me, and wrap it around my waist. My face is stormy, and I stalk over to my clothing stack, pulling out some blue skinny jeans, and pulling them on. Brie's still laughing, but it's died down to loud giggles. I turn away from her, and smirk. I let the towel drop, walking to the bathroom in only my boxers. She stopped laughing, and I saw in the mirror she was turning even redder.

I finish brushing my teeth, and spit into the sink, rinse my mouth out, tap my toothbrush on the side of the sink, and stick it on the mirror by the suction cup on the bottom. I love those. Iruffled my hair up a bit, and laughed at my reflection. Then I remembered what I did last night.

I cannot be forgiven. I will not forgive myself. I stop laughing. I stare dead into my eyes, the eyes of someone I could never trust. You can never trust yourself. Ever. If there were two of you, and you looked into the other you's eyes, you WOULD NOT trust yourself. It's impossible. My face grows solemn, and I turn my face to the sink, washing off the rest of the toothpaste from around my mouth. I stalk past Brie, a person who did nothing to stop The Surface from being destroyed, and notice a shocked and concerned look on her face.

I pick up a shirt to put it on, but I see it's one of my 'save the Earth' shirts, and, disgusted with myself, I carry it to the nearest synthesizer, using it to take off the words. I don't reuse the atoms, they'll sit in storage until someone needs that kind of atom for something. I think about how I know so much about this horrid tech, and I can't bring myself to call myself a tech-protester anymore. You've become...

one of them. I realize, dropping the shirt, and falling to my knees and palms. Tears are falling, but I make no sound. I pick up the shirt, an pull it over my head slowly. Nobody deserved a new planet. None of us did. Not even me, the most deserving person on this ship; which may sound conceited, but it's honestly true. Most of the ones trying to 'help' the Ea- um, The Surface, were using things that harmed The surface to 'find a better way.'

Last night, I was excitedly using and learning about the tech from those practices. You may not think it's that bad, but imagine it where The Surface is a small child in the hospital, and the scientists are all Hideyo Noguchi. Yeah. That's how it is for me.

I can't believe I used their research! I despise myself. I can't stand being me; I wouldn't care if I was Hitler right now, as long as I wasn't me. Okay, well, that's a bit of an exaggeration. I wouldn't want to be Hitler, or an evil scientist, but I would rather be practically anyone else. I USED. TECHNOLOGY. WHICH CAME. FROM. EVIL. MEANS. I'm a hypocrite. I don't deserve to be known as the person I am.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to face Brie, but It's Professor Karina. I angrily shake her off, seething. I can't believe she tricked me. I try to run, but she grabs my wrist. Brie's still standing there, kind of looking confused, concerned, and worried. Professor Karina pulls me into a hug. I try to pull away, but she pulls me tighter into the hug.

"The ship crew has a proposition, and information for you." she murmurs into my ear. "I can tell you the information, if you'll listen. But you have to promise me that you won't do anything rash, or break anything." I became slightly less tense, and she pulled away, still holding onto my shoulders from behind. She turned m toward Brie, so we could both face her. Brie looked confused as heck, and obviously had no idea of what was going on.

"Excuse me, miss, could you give us a moment?" Professor Karina asked, looking Brie in the eye. Brie gave me a funny look, before walking up the stairs. I turned to face Professor Karina.

"What do you want?" I almost spat at her. I didn't trust her, not one bit. I couldn't even trust myself right now, maybe not ever. "Did you want to trick me again? To make me use 'harmless resources' that kill the planet again? Now that you have a new planet to destroy, why don't you leave me alone while you figure out how you're going to torture it THIS time!" I said, and I lunged at her, planning to knock her over and then run away; but she wasn't so willing to comply. She acted as though she saw it coming, and dodged out of the way, while whacking me upside the back of the head.

"Idiot." She said in an even tone. "You know, I'm only twenty-two. I don't have to act like a mature adult all the time! I was coming down to make sure that you knew that the only machines we showed you to use were the pollution free ones. I told the crew beforehand, so you wouldn't go and, like, kill yourself or something! I don't want to turn you into what you view as a monster; that would make you hate yourself!" She scolded. Wait, so there were actually machines and technology that were TRULY pollution free? I felt sheepish, but I was still angry.

"why didn't you tell me beforehand? I was literally just silently raving at myself for aiding in the destruction of what I lived for!" I had thrown my hands above my head, and was speaking in an exasperated tone, but she put on a sideways smile, and put a hand on her hip.

"Yeah, I could kind of see that. But seriously." She regained her professional conduct, standing up straight and looking me in the eye. "I'm trying to tell you. We want you on the team." She smiled, folding her hands together.

"What?" I said, taking a step back. This was not something I had considered.

"Yes. We would like for you to join us. you basically know all the same things we do at this point, and we can teach you a bit. We'll all be learning most of what we'll need to know together, seeing as this is a new planet and all. Plus, you've got amazing grades, and an A++ in all the subjects you would have needed to learn about for a degree back on Earth. You're the perfect new candidate, and you've got great new ideas. Will you join us?" She said, holding out her hand for me to shake it.

I look her in the eyes. It seems too good to be true...

but I guess it can't hurt to try, I think to myself, and I take her hand.