Exiting Exulansis

Night of the Broken Girl (Short story)

"You ruined everything!"

I hung my head, blinking fast. I wanted to blink back tears, I really did. But I had nothing to blink back. After crying every moment I was alone and awake, and sometimes in my sleep, I was all cried out. My eyes were dry all the time and my best friend was convinced I needed more sleep and that I was over-stressing myself. That I had bad allergies. Never did he see the smile was nearly always forced and getting smaller each day. I wished it was that simple.

"You're so stupid! God, do you even listen to me?"

I flinched at the words. Even after months of the words being said to me, I hadn't adjusted to the harsh tone. It still got to me every time. It still does get to me every time.

 "Why the hell do I bother with you? I hate to call you out, but I can't help it! Maybe if I call you out, you'll stop being so dumb!"

In front of everyone. You said it in front of everyone. I'm sure as hell you didn't mean to call me out. I completely and wholeheartedly believe that you didn't mean to embarrass me in front of a large group of people. I'm sure you hated to call me out.

"I don't even know why I bother talking. You obviously don't care, or you're too stupid to care. I don't know if you realize, but people in the real world aren't as nice as me! If you try to pull this shit at work, you'd be fired! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

I wanted to kill myself at this moment. I really did. I didn't mean to mess anything up, and, to me, I never really understood what I did that made you so mad that day. I've replied to you a million times in my head since that moment. Sometimes I just start crying. Sometimes I snap back at you. Other times I just walk away and turn my back to your screams. Sometimes I punch you in the face and scream at you to shut the hell up, that you don't know anything.

 But what did I do in that moment?

"You're worthless, did you know that? You're stupid. God, get out of my sight."

You stormed out of the room, furious. Only to come back in a few seconds later to say in a low whisper the words I wish I could shake out of my head. The words tattooed to my mind, making me dizzy and sick, like plunging into cold water with your mouth open and swallowing. The pain filling my lungs, making me numb, making me freeze on the spot.

"I wish I had never thought you were good enough for me."

I wanted to scream when you said that. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell you that it was a mistake. I wanted to tell you to calm down. I wanted to punch you. I wanted to tell you to forgive me. I wanted to tell you that you were wrong about me.

But what did I do in that moment?

Nothing.

I stood there, I took it. 

I waited until you left, everyone watching me, wide-eyed. I calmly walked out of the building, entered my car, closed the door, locked it, put my head down, and sobbed.

I sobbed that I would never be enough for you. Nothing would ever be enough for you. I sobbed for the fact I believed the words. I sobbed for the fact I thought I had no more tears, yet they still came. I sobbed for my embarrassment. I sobbed for my stupidity for giving you so much power. I sobbed for letting you tear me down. I sobbed for believing your lies every single time. I sobbed for the broken girl.

 Somehow, eyes blurred, I got home safely. I dropped my stuff and collapsed on the floor and cried. I cried and I didn't move, face buried into the carpet. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die.

"You could do it," I told myself quietly. "You could do it and no one would know and no one would care. You really could. You are worthless, after all."

I laid there on the floor for hours, hot tears wetting the carpet. I weighed my options. I wanted to die. For the first time in my life, I seriously considered killing myself. I was a broken girl.

So why didn't I?

To be honest, I'm not sure. I'm not sure I had the energy to get up and kill myself. You had drained my energy from me, sucking it away like a vacuum for months. I didn't feel like me anymore. I was a mannequin shell clothed in skin. I didn't feel like me. I sure as hell didn't feel human.

The next day, I cut off all relation to you. I ignored your texts. I ignored your texts asking why I was ignoring your texts. I ignored you in person. When I saw you, I turned the other direction and quickened my pace. You never seemed all that determined to really catch up to me. You stopped pursuing me soon enough. It didn't feel soon enough to me. It felt like an eternal agony.

But you did. You left me alone. I walk past you and nothing happens. You don't even look at me. I look at my feet and pick up my pace. The one time you tried to talk to me, I sprinted so hard through the hallway I never heard what you were trying to say. I could only hear the adrenaline and my heart. I was shaking behind a building, and you didn't bother following me. Now, you never say a word to me. I never say anything back to you. You don't interact with me. I don't interact with you. You live your life far, far away, and I'll live mine.

 What a relief it is, to be free.

For those of you who are not free, I need you to remember the night of the broken girl, and how she still remains standing. Depression is temporary darkness. Nothing is actually permanent, including the darkness. You see it all around you, and as far as you can see, you see the darkness. But it doesn't go on forever. People grow up. Things change. Perspectives change. Time fades memories. Pain is temporary. And as long as you hold on and stay strong, although it's hard, one day, you'll be set free from the darkness.

         By  Anonymous. (An awesome poet/ author I've met.)

      Thank you a lot for writing down such a meaningful story. We are obliged.  (: 

P.S. : Some of those whom we trust may leave us behind, pushing us into the darkness. We feel belittled, confused, think we are worthless. Though it's not your mistake, you feel you're wrong. But, realize that those who don't care about you or never try to understand you, will never worth your thought. Nothing is permanent. Neither the pain, nor the darkness. Stay strong.