Chapter 8

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Years, actual years, passed by before I finally gathered my guts and started the conversation to talk about us.

I stared at my phone screen for a long time, unblinking.

Our last message was on May the 2nd, when he wished me a happy birthday, and it was now December. It's been more or less half a year since that last birthday text. And it's been about 3 years since we had a proper talk.

I think the fact that I didn't need to face him anymore after we graduated high school really helped me build up the courage to start a chat with him.

E: Hey.

I typed, hitting the send button without giving myself a chance to rethink what I was doing.

I quickly locked my phone and put it away, face down, as if that would lessen my anxiety.

I sat in the moving car, my phone sitting beside me as I tried my best to ignore its presence. I stared out the window and counted the trees that passed by in a blur.

I felt like I heard the faint vibration of my phone and I quickly opened it up to look at my notifications.

Nothing.

There was no new messages.

I sighed, my body slumping against the car seat as I once again looked out the window. I rested my head against the head rest and let myself get lost in my own world.

I wasn't even surprised that there were no messages although I thought I heard my phone vibrate.

Hallucinations. Delusions.

I've experienced having thought that I heard my phone vibrate even though it didn't ever since I stopped talking to Alex.

It's funny, don't you think? How another person can have such a big impact on one's life.

It wasn't even a parent, a sibling, or any family member; hell, it wasn't even like someone had died. But I guess going crazy didn't need to be caused by something so significant.

I was on my way home from the mall after meeting up with some friends. When I'm preoccupied, this side of me, the hallucinating, gloomy side of me, has never appeared before; especially in front of my friends.

Or at least that was what I thought. 

A year after I had stopped talking to Alex, one of my friends who knew me the longest stood beside me as we waited for our rides had said, "You know you look depressed lately, Em?"

I had looked at her in confusion. I never thought I was depressed.

In fact, I never thought.

I never tried to label what I was feeling when I was alone and thinking of the old memories.

I gave her an unsure smile, "Depressed?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "Ever since you stopped being close to Alex. You look depressed. You used to be bubbly and cheerful and suddenly it's like you lost your light."

My smile slowly fell as her words sunk in.

That's when I realized; that does sound like me lately.

I wondered around like a zombie and didn't smile as much as I used to.

I thought I was hiding it well from everyone else but I guess I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was.

It's quite embarrassing actually.

He wasn't even a boyfriend or anything of the sort.

I didn't understand at that time that losing a best friend was supposed to hurt more than breaking up with a lover.

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