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apart

-moony-

I wake instantly and completely, sitting bolt upright, and I feel Sirius' arm slip from around my waist. He stirs in his sleep and begins to wake; I'm trying to calm myself. My heart is thundering in my ears, my breathing is quick and shallow. I feel cold and clammy all over with a thin veil of sweat on my skin. Already the nightmare is gone—I don't even remember what it was.

I realize how odd it would look for our dormitory mates to wake and find Sirius and me lying in the same bed, and I have to wonder what he was thinking to slip in bed with me. He lifts his head to look at me blearily and asks, "Remus?"

I'm starting to feel calm again, and I manage to ask him in a soft voice, "What're you doing over here?" I glance over to his empty bed, its covers messy and half falling off the bed.

"You were having a nightmare," he answers just as quietly, as if that answers everything. In a way, I suppose it does. I can't help smiling, grateful for the caring gesture. He frowns a little to himself and then adds, "You haven't had nightmares around the full moon in months. What's wrong?" He sits up, turning to face me with his legs crossed. I mimic him so that we're sitting with our knees touching.

He's right; I haven't had nightmares since winter—since Sirius pulled that thoughtless prank on Snape. There's a gnawing feeling in my belly, but I don't know exactly why I've started having nightmares again. I look around, but even James hasn't stirred. It's not quite dawn yet. Finally I reply, "I'm not sure."

"Why were you having nightmares before?" Sirius presses, watching me with intent gray eyes.

Good question. I never really thought about it, but in retrospect, I have an inkling of what plagued my unconscious mind. Dreams of hurting my friends during the change, when I'm not quite myself—but more than that. I felt as if I was only the werewolf. That was the only part that mattered. I felt like Sirius, James, and Peter hung around with me because of what I become on the full moon, and not only did it sting—I was afraid that the part of me they liked best would destroy them. Feeling Sirius' concerned gaze, remembering the last few months, I know that I don't have to worry about that now. So why are the nightmares back? "That was back when I was afraid you took me for granted," I attempt to explain. "I thought... the werewolf... Well, it was because of the werewolf that you became Animagi, because of the werewolf that we could create the Marauder's Map."

I can tell he understands by the faint edge of disbelief in his expression. "You know we never felt that way," he says, but it's half a question. I nod; of course I know. And he continues, "I've seen you when you're just the werewolf, and it scares me. I hate it when you aren't in control."

I lower my gaze, my nostrils flaring a little, and I murmur, "I hate it, too. It's terrifying. I was always afraid the werewolf would take over and I would hurt you. I still am afraid, sometimes. I hate having a monster inside me."

Sirius ducks his head low, forcing me to meet his gaze, and once I'm looking at him, he tells me seriously, "Everyone has a monster inside. Yours is just more obvious. And you can control yours better than most people who aren't forced to change into a werewolf once a month."

I give a faint smile and nod.

"But that isn't what the nightmares are about now, is it?" This time, Sirius' question is half a statement.

No, it's not. If it was, they never would have stopped in the first place. I draw my lower lip between my teeth thoughtfully. What's different now?

Today is the last day at Hogwarts, my mind volunteers, and I feel my stomach drop like a stone. We're only leaving for the summer, and since we were allowed to take our Apparating tests early so that I could stay an extra night at Hogwarts for the full moon, I suppose we can visit each other whenever we like. Still, it feels like an end to something. And I say so. "After tonight, we'll all go home, and you will spend the summer with James..." Ah, there it is.