BITE ME

FUNERALS ARE FUNNY

Dylan and I were outside the reception hall yesterday. Dressed in a suit and tie, he was uncomfortable - although he did bring his favourite beanie along and popped it on when not inside. I was the only one wearing pants, all the other females were dressed in 'little black dresses' - the older ones in suits or an assortment of black skirts and tops.

We were outside because the noise inside resembled that of a nightclub. He wanted to tell me something.

"Mum, when I die, I'm having a Viking funeral. Put on a boat, pushed out to sea and then someone throws a flaming arrow and I drift away, till the boat sinks, right?"

"Hey that's my thing!"

"I thought you wanted your ashes scattered on the water? You can't copy me mum!"

"I can do whatever the hell I like!"

"But you'll be dead ha-ha, so you won't get to choose - Hey can you put your funeral wishes in your will?"

"I suppose you can. But look at Nikk right? Everyone knew he wanted to be cremated but he still ended up in the ground."

"That's coz his wife wanted the whole attention thing?"

"Well, I want to turn your grandma into a diamond."

"What if you lose her though? What are you going to do? Put out an ad saying "Lost Mother, description: she's one carat set in gold?"

"Hmmm there's that."

"And your brother won't go for it. He'll want the whole spectacle."

"I know right! But she always tells me she wants something simple. You heard her in there! She hates this whole big party thing afterwards."

"You could always cut her in half? You get the legs and turn them into a diamond, uncle gets the top half - like you can have just half of the casket open and no one will know right?"

"I am not cutting your grandmother in half!"

"I am so going to do all this for you! Cheap plastic plates and a photo montage of your life in big screens everywhere!"

"You do that and I will haunt you."

"No way you can do that!"

"I will haunt you, you hear? I'll find a way to turn your life into hell!"

Our conversation was disrupted by a couple who wandered out for a smoke.

"Great funeral," the woman said. "My you've grown taller - Dylan, isn't it?"

"Yes?" He clearly had no idea who these people were. I in the meantime cursed my inability to remember names. Italian... Italian... He was Ralph, she was...

It didn't matter in the end, because more people drifted out.

"Great funeral." It seemed the standard greeting.

Dylan and I discreetly moved away and headed inside.

"Hey, are we celebrating a death here or mourning a life?" The thought popped in my head, seeing the ruckus again.

"No clue. Either one works right?"

Have I told you how much I love this kid? Times like these, when he could sit with others his age but chooses to be my 'plus one'?

Back at 'our' table, the main meal was being served. Some deep fried seafood stuff, calamari rings and what looked like batter encrusted fish bites - or could have been chicken nuggets, as Dylan said. We never tried any of it.