SyndiSparklez Book of Rambles and One-Shots

Hating and Loving - Part 1

I'm a terrible person for not updating my books for so long, I'm sorry ;-;

🔴 WARNING 🔴 This is a really sad chapter so if you don't like the sadness then I suggest you not read. Just felt like putting my feelings onto paper.

Enjoy, beans.

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It had been a while since Jordan had cried.

The last time was a few weeks ago out of fear of a dead rat in his bedroom, found while he was searching around for his guitar one day. He had picked up his instrument and done a double-take, only to nearly drop it after he spotted the unmoving rodent behind it. Running from the room, he could feel tears pricking the back of his eyes. He hated filth as it was, and a rat in his own home was unthinkable. He had barricaded himself in his kitchen for several minutes, sniffling and hugging himself, guitar forgotten on his couch. The disgusting animals were surely crawling through his walls and underneath his feet, soon to burst out of every crevice and scuttle towards him - he had let out a choked cry at the thought. After he regained some of his courage, he made the adventure back up to his room, disposing of the rat with a miraculous contraption made of a broom and a Tupperware container, both of which he threw out as soon as the rat was taken care of. He had showered and scrubbed his skin until it was raw and red, and slept on the couch downstairs that night.

The memory was washed away with the angry tears that slipped down Jordan's cheeks. It had been hours since Jordan had see. the video and the pictures, but the pain was as fresh as it was when he first viewed them. His nails dug into his arms as he wrapped them around his body. He felt hot and could feel a thin sheet of sweat covering his forehead.

His mind was filled with thoughts of the man he was crying over, which only made the tears flow with greater strength. Jordan muttered Tom's name over and over again, sobs cutting into each one. Jordan fell back into his pillows, the same ones Tom and he had a pillow-fight with months ago. He sucked in a strangled breath and let it back out as another cry of misery. Head pounding painfully, Jordan whimpered and clutched his laptop tighter to his chest.

"You...I hate you," he murmured, punctuated with a sniffle. "I hate you but I love you so goddamn much. You're a tease. You didn't mean it when you kissed me, did you?" Jordan hissed the last part. His teeth came down on his lips and slowly bit them, drawing blood. He swallowed the metallic liquid but savored the taste.

"Do I deserve it?" The question echoed in his mind as he lay on his bed, the world slowly spiraling beneath him. His lip quivered and another round of tears spilled out from his eyes. "It's my fault, isn't it? I should've...I should-" Jordan's voice shook too much for him to continue.

A dark cloud folded over the crying man's consciousness. His energy was eventually sapped and he fell into a restless sleep, dreaming of his friend.

The marks on Tom's neck and the voices in the background of the video were was set Jordan off. Ever since their kiss, he had believed Tom might one day be his and his alone. He thought Tom would slip casual hints into his videos and surprise Jordan - after all, there wasn't much he could miss considering Jordan watched every one of his videos.

The complete opposite was handed to Jordan on a silver platter as he eagerly clicked on Tom's newest vlog, a likely spot for the hints to occur. However, as the video went on, Jordan slowly got less and less motivated.

He paused on the shot of Tom's exposed neck, riddled with marks. He stared at the screen numbly before playing the video again. Jordan could feel jealousy building in his stomach. He should be the one giving Tom those marks. He should be laying in bed with Tom and giggling in the background. Those girls - the 's' hurt Jordan to say - should've all been him.