Fag Hag [#Wattys 2016]

23. Hurricane Jewls

The night before the wedding things looked bleak.  Unquenchable terror laced with mad hope coursed through my blood, spurring me on in my mission. 

My friends and I scoured the resort for hours, frantically searching for Jaime Knox.  We tried to obtain his room number only to be repeatedly denied.  We stalked the hotel floors, knocking on random doors ding-dong-ditching style.  We combed along the beach with flashlights.  As a last resort we went back to the resort's bar where I remained diligently on guard, no drink in hand.  I was motivated only by hopes of spotting Jaime, confessing my love and the burning secret of our unborn child.     

Harriett abstained from alcohol as well, a valiant show of support on her behalf.  But I could see my friend's energy waning as she stifled a yawn. The last thing I felt like doing was babysitting Jewls. As fate would have it I didn't get a choice.

Lulu, Harriett, and I knew he remained in the Shutters Bar area due to periodic cries of alarm and a line of startled men rushing past our table.  Each in a hurry, we presumed, to escape the offensive peter-reader.  Judging by the direction of the screams, Julian set up shop on the patio.  

Minutes ticked painfully by, inching closer to the wedding. Panic, that I might not find Jaime in time, propelled me from my seat.

I can't give up.  I won't give up.   I silently vowed to our unborn baby.  A slideshow of Jaime memories played in my mind, a tearjerker of a film. 
​
I saw him as a lifeguard, young and strong and blonde.  I felt the bay leaf worn in my shoe for a week, bearing the name, Jaime Knox.  I visualized our magical Starbucks encounter and his perfectly whitened smile.  I heard him whisper over dinner atop the Dallas Ball, I think about you, Annie.  I think about you, a lot. I smelled the lake air where we'd fished all night, laughing under the stars as a couple.  My moist eyes tingled at the memories and teardrops of emotion dripped down my face.
​Although my friends felt my pain, no words could ease my aching heart. 

"What do you want to do, Annie?  We can search the hotel again," Lulu suggested, favoring action over tears. 

​"Don't cry, Annie.  The night isn't over yet," Harriett insisted. "We can still find Jaime Knox!  Should we go get Julian first?" she asked, looking up, apologetically as yet another violated man charged past our group.   

​I haven't looked on the patio bar.  Jaime might be there! I thought, abruptly rising.  "Yes!" I agreed. "We have to stop Jewls before he gets us kicked out of here."

​As a group we made our way to the deserted looking beachfront patio.  Full drinks remained untouched on scattered tables, uneaten appetizers left to get cold, and a chair was flipped onto its side—Julian's effects, like a hurricane, lingered.  Sure enough there he, and his still hard penis, stood somewhat crouched near the bar awaiting their next victim. 

His options were slim as the only people remaining on the patio were an unobservant couple cuddling over linguini and wine, an irate bartender staring daggers into Julian's back, and a handsome, but unsuspecting man. 

Julian's choice was easy.  Like watching a gruesome nature show where the innocent gazelle gets slaughtered by the hungry hidden tiger, I wanted to turn away but did not.  I couldn't stand idly by and allow this brutality to occur. I marched toward the impending assault, Lulu and Harriet hot on my heels.  Julian was armed, fully-loaded, and much too quick on his feet for my friends and me to do much good.

​I cringed, helpless as he snuck up behind the man.  Legs wide and peter-reader first Julian's penis hit dead center into the man's ass. 

Startled, his latest victim spun about not running away but standing his ground, looking Jewls squarely in his eyes.

​Julian attacked again. This time smacking his penis into the man's front pants pocket.  He asked with authority, "Are you Jaime Knox?"

​Still the man didn't retreat nor did he defend himself against Julian's penis punches.  "No," he said, continuing to eyeball Jewls. "I'm Jaime Knox's Best Man though, Scotty Pike.  Who the hell are you?"

​Julian switched on his best imitation of charm. "Well aren't you a delicious looking Scooby snack," he cooed.  "It's nice to meet you, Best Man Scotty.  You can call me Jewls."  Then gesturing down and fondling his erection he asked innocently, "Do you like my peter-reader?"

​My friends and I watched, unable to tear our collective gaze from the obvious train wreck ahead.   Lulu smiled, amused by this unexpected layer of awkwardness and tension. Harriett hid behind me, one eye shut with dread. I felt torn between staying put and stepping into the danger zone. 

​I figured Scotty would punch Jewls in his face and honestly I wasn't entirely against this plan of action.

"Actually, yeah," Scotty said.  "Yeah, I do like your peter-reader, Jewls.  Would you join me in my room?"

Julian looked honored. He pretended to just notice my friends and my arrival upon the scene, "Oh, hi girls," he chirped, quite delighted with himself as usual. "Come and look what I found.  Meet Scotty Pike, Jaime Knox's Best Man.  Scotty, meet the girls."

A flood of questions rushed my brain. Where's Jaime? Is he in love with Kate Oliver? Are you gay? How do you know Jaime? Jaime's not gay, right? How did this wedding happen so quickly? Or has it been in the works for years? Will you lead me to Jaime? Has he ever mentioned an Annie? Is he in this hotel right now?

Before I could utter a single word Jewls dragged Scotty away. Leading him by one arm he whistled the tune to the old cartoon, Inspector Gadget, as they retreated toward the exit as a couple. "I'll show you my Inspector Gadget," I overheard Jewls promise Scotty as they disappeared out the door. "Go, go, gadget arm!"

Once I regained my wits about me I made chase. But it was too late. I'd missed my golden opportunity, allowing Jewls to escape with my only lead to finding Jaime Knox.

Reluctantly, I gave up the hunt and returned to our suite, defeated and depressed.  But there was something I didn't yet know as I tossed and turned throughout the night, haunted by memories of Jaime.  I wasn't aware as I gave up on sleep and called him for the millionth time, sobbing at his familiar voice recording.  I had no clue that at that moment, all of my questions were being answered. 

In suite two twenty-one, Julian and Scotty lay in bed forming a serious bond.  They stayed up through the night divulging their darkest selves to one another, drinking endless bottles of wine, and making love.

With the anger of a woman scorned, his tongue loosened by the wine, Scotty revealed a secret.  Hungry for revenge they developed a partnership and a plan.  They fell asleep at sunrise in one another's arms, united in their mission.  It was wedding crash day.

Oh, Lord! We've almost made it :) enjoying the time we've spent together? Please push my star :)

Also, I am taking part in the Brigade Watty Awards, and I'll be in love with you forever for voting for Fag Hag in the contest. It is chapter 83 and here is the link:

http://my.w.tt/UiNb/io0KGX0lkv

Thank you so very much!!