The One I Love

Never Give Up

Hi Jakob here.

Well I wanted to share a part of my life, I'm sure a lot of people felt this way and its hard to talk about it sometimes. Mostly because we are afraid of what most people will think, but that is why I'm sharing this with y'all.

 Everyone reading this know how Ivan felt, but there is a lot y'all don't know about the first time I met Ivan. Everyone has read it from Ivan's view, but I want to tell you just how much he saved my life that day. I'm not telling y'all this for pity or for y'all to feel sorry for me, I don't want that. I just want y'all to know that no matter how much you want to give up, you shouldn't. You will never know what your missing when you give up.

As most of you know, I have always been bullied. It wasn't too bad but when I was in the sixth grade, it got really bad. I always knew I wasn't like most boys, because you know your supposed to like girls, not boys. A boy liking another boy was just wrong, I mean that's what they. That its sinful and disgusting, that god hates people like that, but how do we even know for sure, right? We are just listening to what other people say, because they don't like anything that is different.

When I was in the sixth grade, I had this crush on this boy, but I knew I couldn't tell him. As it was I was considered weird from most of the other kids at school. Then to tell this boy that I like him, would only make me a bigger outcast than I already was. It wasn't like he would like me anyway.

So I did what most loved struck kid would do, I doodled his name and my name together with little hearts and what not. Probably the biggest mistake of my life, I never thought about what would happen if he saw it or what his reaction would be. Well I found out one day when he stole my backpack and dumped everything onto the floor. There in the pile he saw the notebook I used to doodled and I was right, he didn't feel the same way. He was disgusted that I would like him and every day he would show me just how disgusted he was.

Not a day went by that I wasn't hit, called ugly names, pushed into lockers and just told I was going to hell or die of AID's for being a faggot. When I came home from school with a black eye, it was the day I had to come out to my parents and tell them what had been going on at school. At the time the only one that knew I'm gay was my aunt, she was basically my best friend.

I was lucky enough to have my family still love and support me after I came out, but that still didn't help with the loneness I felt while I was at school. No matter how much my parents complained to the school, it was never enough. There was always places that the teachers weren't at and that's where they took advantage of it, if the teachers didn't see it then it didn't happen.

This went on for the rest of sixth and to seventh grade, each day just got worse. it got to the point I stopped fighting back, I was to the point I didn't want to live anymore. That I just want to do everyone a favor at school on kill myself, because that's what they wanted.

I know that my family would miss me and it would hurt them but just having to come to a school that hated me and wanted nothing more than to see me gone was hard. so I wrote them each a letter telling them I loved them and I'm sorry but I just couldn't take it anymore. I left them on my desk before I left for school that day, I knew once they got the news they would see them there.

I went to school just like any other day, but I had plans to sneak out of my last class, so that I could commit suicide. I was going to do it at the school, in the restrooms. So they could see what their cruelty towards me did, what they drove me to do and so they see they got what they wanted.

I walked into school that day, but then I saw Ivan and he looked lost. Nobody stopped to help him, so I went up to him. I said "your new", he looked at me and smile. nobody here ever smiled at me and it felt nice. he stood up for me that day, nobody ever stood up for me. That day he saved me, nobody will ever know how much he saved me that day or how much I love him, without him I wouldn't be here today.

We all get to that point we want to give up but you just can't, there is so much to life then letting people tell your nothing. You are something, you have purpose in this life. I know it might not seem like it now but there is and you just have to stay strong. You are not weak, weak are the people that bring you down. Just remember they hate themselves more and just want to bring you down to feel good about themselves. So never give up, there's more out there for you and people that are more supportive of who you are. I hope my story can help you in anyway and you ever need to talk i'm here. i'm always happy to help, because I know and I have been there.