LEMONADE

Sorry

She figures the only way to cure her heartbreak and rage is to be with her friends and not have a care in the world. She drags the rest of her four lifelong friends to a club so she can dance her worries away and not bother about Lucas or where's their realtionship stood. She wants to not think, she wants to have a night of fun, for herself and not for anyone else. She wants a breather. She just wanted a night of nonchalance and a night of ignorace. She wanted a night to be with her friends and to let down her hair.

So when Maya whispers into her ear that Lucas has been calling her non-stop, she shrugs it off and chugs down a congac. She looks at the half-full glass of congac and remembers when she would drink with Lucas, even if she wasn't a good drinker. They would drink congac and have a good time together. But as she finishes the rest of the drink, she realises how different the situation is now. Setting the glass back onto the table, she heads back on to the dancefloor, blocking out all her unhappiness.

She gets herself entangled with a guy on the dance floor and lays her head on his shoulder. Her eyes close as she sways to the beat and she imagines a piercing pair of green eyes staring down at her in jealousy. Maybe she's drunk, but she doesn't care. She feels the need to show him the same disrespect he showed her. She wants to make Lucas feel how painful it was to have no power in their relationship. The agony she felt was unnecessary and uncalled for.

As she continues to dance with the man that she can't even remember the name of, she comes to the realisation thta she's honestly not sorry. She couldn't even find a single apologetic bone in her body, she was wholly unapologetic. And if Lucas didn't like it, he should have given her the respect she deserves, because right now for the first time in her life, Riley Matthews does not feel any obligation to be sorry for anything Lucas has done.

❀

She feels her tears well up in her eyes as she watches Lucas and Zay walk away without even looking back. Farkle and Smackle then make their appearance as they walk straight down the hall, only to disappear again. She's never felt so betrayed by her friends. Her friends whom she thought would stay by her side even in high school.

It saddened her to see the only boy she ever liked not care about her feelings at all. She held back a choked gasp as she watched the boy walk away. The boy whom she believed in no matter what, whom she had faith in under any circumstance, whom she cared about his well-being and safety more than her own, not do the same for her.

She didn't understand what problem he had with going into the 'hole'. But that didn't matter. What hurt most was that Lucas didn't just trust her to believe that the 'hole' was more than a hole. That they would be taught something from it. That betrayal hurt more than anything.

But high school Riley would only blame herself. So her eyes wept tears of saddeness and self-blame. She was completely apologetic, she believed that she was the root of the fight and problem of their first day in high school.

❀

But at 21 years old, she had no apology to say. In fact, she doesn't even want to know what Lucas thinks about her partying and her drinking or anyting about whatever she was doing. For goodness sake, she didn't even care about whatever he was thinking. She just wanted to lift her middle finger up and wave it in his face. After all, he only wants her when she's not here.

She scoffed at his audacity to even dare call her while she's out wilding. Now he wanted to apologise, only now did he want to cry. However, he no longer had an status in whatever their relationship was, so he can only watch her let loose. Whether it meant going out with her friends or not. Neither he nor his infidelity was going to stop her from doing anything, from partying to working.

She doesn't feel bad when she says that she's going out with her friends and ends up dancing friskily with a random guy in the club. She turned the tables on him and it was her turn to do whatever the fuck she wanted. But whatever she was doing, Lucas for sure was uninvited.

❀

Friday evening was her last day before going back to Yale and he promised her that they would have a date night. She prepared everything, she made dinner from scratch, lit up candles, wore her best dress and did her hair and makeup, only to sit down at the dimly lit studio in slience as she waited his arrival.

She watched the food go cold and the candle wax drip down to the end. He still hadn't returned. He should have been home by now. Her initial calls were sent to voicemail and she became worried. She kept her cool, knowing that Lucas would be okay as she sat on end the rectangle table with her clammy hands rubbing aginst each other. Her eyes rimmed with tears, but she's not sure of why she should be crying.

He comes home at midnight. Her stomach is growling and the candle burnt out. His face is unreadable but he immediaely apologises, saying he had to help his professor with something. She realises that he always has excuses and wonders the real reason behind them and if they were even true. He kept secrets behind her back.

❀

Then and there, she thought of leaving a note behind and ending it. She didn't deserve the neglect she got and she was not just a toy he could pick up and play with as he pleased. She didn't deserve to be taken for granted. It was like her worth increases only whenever she wasn't around.

Drunkenly, she pushes herself off of the man who was touching her everywhere and staggered to find her friends. She didn't want to give the wrong idea and have the man lead one thing to another. She lands in the arms of Zay, who is seated at the bar and holds her tightly. Maya is right beside him as she helps to hold up the intoxicated Riley up.

She orders a brandy as her friends stare at her concernedly. She's grateful that friends came out with her, despite them being such an uncomfortable position and their reluctance. Her drink arrives and toasts it in the air. "To the good life!" she exclaims tipsily. Farkle and Isadora come back just in time to hear this and an uncomfortable slience ensues as she gulps down the liquid that burns her throat. But it could never burn more than the betrayal she received.

She wipes the lone tear that falls down her cheek away, swifly and roughly, hoping no one saw it, because she would rather die than let anyone see her weakness. She tells herself that she can easily leave and she knows that she'll be alright. As much as she repeats this in her head, she loves him deeply and hopes he truly grows out of his juvenlie ways.

But one thing's for sure, she's not sorry for calling out his infidelity and lies. And she doesn't regret her choice. She wasn't sorry.