The WORST Bible Stories (And other scary scriptures)

Genesis

(Each letter within brackets [] corresponds to a comment at the end of the chapter)

Noah Gets Drunk And Naked

After Noah and his family finally came out of the ark, Noah decided to plant a vineyard. One night, Noah was drinking some wine he had made and he got very drunk. Because of this, he thought it would be a good idea to take off all of his clothes inside his tent. Eventually, he fell asleep. One of his sons, Ham, came into the tent and saw that his father was naked.[a] Ham, no doubt surprised, went outside the tent to tell his other two brothers what he had seen. His brothers got a garment and walked into Noah's tent backwards so that they would not see him naked. They turned their heads as they placed the garment over their father so as not to accidentally catch a glimpse and left the tent.

When Noah finally woke up, he learned what had happened. Then, Noah, one of the only men that God thought righteous enough to live through the flood, cursed Canaan. Not Ham, who was the one who had seen him naked, but instead, Ham's son. Noah cursed his grandson to be the lowest of the lowest of slaves to his brothers and his uncles. (Genesis 9:18-27)

God Curses A King For Someone Else's Lie

(2 Times And A Close Call)

After he moved out of his father's lands by God's command, a famine struck the land that God promised to bless Abram with. So, Abram decided to go to Egypt for a while because the famine was quite severe. On the way to Egypt, Abram told his 65 year old wife, Sarai, that because she's so beautiful, he is afraid that Egyptians will kill him in order to steal her. So, he asked her to tell everyone that she was his sister so that his life could be spared (It's only a half lie, because she really was his half-sister). When they entered Egypt, the Egyptians saw that Sarai was beautiful and word eventually traveled to the Pharaoh. The Pharaoh took Sarai into his household to be one of his wives. Because he thought Abram was Sarai's brother, he gave Abram sheep and cattle, male donkeys, male servants, female servants, female donkeys, and camels. Even so, Abram still did not tell the Pharaoh that Sarai was his wife. Then, God struck the Pharaoh's household with great plagues because of Sarai. The Pharaoh must have made the connection, because he summoned Abram and asked why Abram had deceived him and brought God's wrath upon him. Then, he expelled Abram and all of his possessions from Egypt. (Genesis 12:10-20) There are also almost identical stories at Genesis 20:1-17 and Genesis 26:1-17.

In Genesis 20, nearly the same thing happened but this time there was no famine. Abram (Now named Abraham) was in Gerar, and the king's name there was Abimelech. When Abimelech took Sarai (Now named Sarah) to be his wife, God appeared to him in a dream and told him that he was as good as dead. Abimelech was innocent because he had not even gone near Sarah, so he pleaded with God to not kill him and his family and his people. He explained that he had no idea Sarah was Abraham's wife because they both had said that they were siblings. Then God said that he knew Abimelech was innocent all along and that he had appeared in this dream to stop him from committing sin. God told Abimelech that Abraham would pray for him to live, but if he didn't give Sarah back, he and all who belong to him would die. After Abimelech gives Sarah back, along with money and many other presents, as in the first story, Abraham prays for him. Then, God reverses a curse that he had already put on Abimelech without anyone's knowledge to make every single woman in his household unable to have children.

In Genesis 26, again, close to the same thing happens. Even with the same king! But this time, it is with Isaac and Rebekah, Abraham's son and daughter in-law. The bible says that there is another famine over the lands God promised to bless Abraham and his descendants with, separate from the first one. But this time, God told Isaac not to go into Egypt, but to go to a different land that would be pointed out for him. If he did this, then God would fulfill for Isaac the promise that he had yet to fulfill for Abraham. After Isaac had been in the land of Gerar for some time, Abimelech happened to look out a window and see Isaac "sporting" or "caressing" or "playing" with his wife (depending on how you translate it), so he summoned Isaac and asked why he had lied about Rebekah being his sister. Abimelech scolded Isaac for lying because anybody could have easily had sex with Rebekah without knowing she was Isaac's wife. Abimelech commanded nobody to touch Isaac or Rebekah under penalty of death. He must have learned from his first encounter with God that even if you do something in innocence, it doesn't mean God won't punish you.