As Evil As Ignorance

AEAI 24

I used to like lazy days. Spending a whole day lounging with my boyfriend or my best friend, watching movies, maybe a little studio time. I could paint with Henry or watch Ella create a song. We would laugh or sit quietly. It was the ideal way to spend my day. But now, I’m by myself in this big apartment with no one to talk to and nothing to do.

From the moment I woke up an hour ago to now, I’ve been lying in bed. It’s hard to be productive when you don’t want to move. It’s even harder when the act of thinking takes up all your energy. It should be easier to get over a fake breakup. I just feel so terrible.

I still haven’t gotten to explain anything. I know my dad spent the day with him, but what if that wasn’t enough? What if he hates me? He probably thinks I’m a coward for taking the easy way out. I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to come back.

My first act of the day is to get in the shower that’s too hot and eventually turns achingly cold from letting the water run too long. How did life get this tedious? I can’t even be bothered to warm up food. Instead, I order pizza up to the studio and meander my way up there to see if maybe I can convince myself to be any sort of creative.

Lollygagging is what I would say happens. I spend too much time looking around in El’s studio before even attempting to open the door to mine. I’m not sure if I want to go into the room that I only ever allowed my better half to follow me into.

I hate to admit when one of my fathers are right. But when Dad was impressed that I let Henry in my studio, he wasn’t wrong. Since the day it was complete, it’s only ever been me that I’ve allowed to use the room. I’m still not sure why I showed him around it the first day. I even let him touch my paintings.

I am a coward for taking the easy way out.

And then, I go in and take a deep breath as I look around. It takes me a second before my heart hurts again. Or hurts more, I haven’t decided.

Right there, plain as day and life-size, is a purple and teal stamp of the man I’m so fond of. I can picture his face half-colored and fully-confused. His glasses thrown to the floor as his clothes are ruined. My realization of the now intimately familiar face as he’s securely pressed into the paint-slathered wall. The reminder makes me smile for a second. It’s like I’m watching it as an outside in my own mind. Mna, I miss him.

I meant to take it down a while ago, but I just never got around to it. Ever since I threw my guy up against this wall, we’ve used easels to paint on canvases so I haven’t had to move it. It occupies the space behind the step up we’ve made to accommodate our creative sessions. It’s the multicolored backdrop that we would laugh at from time to time.

I should probably leave it. It’s not hurting anything.

As I’m contemplating, my phone starts to ring. I shouldn’t be surprised by the name on the screen, but at the moment it’s a welcome relief. I need the distraction.

“Hello,” I answer with the first resemblance of a smile all day.

“Okay,” my middle sister starts off, “I know that you want to tell me, so I’m not going to push it. But, it’s hard to just ignore.”

A real smile graces my lips, “Dad called you.” It’s definitely not a question.

“We’re all worried about you,” Brie reasons.

“I’m fine, Bee. It’s a complicated story.”

She sighs, “I know there’s something holding you back and I don’t know what it is. You can always talk to me. I was really surprised when it was Dad that told me that you and Henry broke up. It’s usually me telling Dad things. I always know first and that bothers me.”