Faith, it doesn't make things easy, it makes things possible.

Untitled Part 5

He is a very direct doctor. Looking me right in the eyes. I want to look away, but know that I can't.  And then he starts, "As you know Ms.  Harris, we have been working on your daughter Carrie for the  better part of 4 hours now." "And during those 4 hours we have struggled to get oxygen into your daughters lungs." He stopped for a moment to make sure I was following him. "Ok" I said. "Ms. Harris, your daughter isn't getting any oxygen into her lungs and I am sorry to have to come in here, to have to advise you to prepare yourself for your daughters imminent death."  My heart started beating so fast I think everyone in the room can hear it. I think its going to beat out of my chest and I reach up to place my hand on to my chest and say, "my heart!" My daughter Amber looks at me with worry etched on her face. She looks back at the doctor and she says, "Not my sister!"  My sister reaches over and puts her hands on my shoulders. I can't for the life of me believe what he just told me. So I ask him, "can't you just put her on a heart lung machine or something like that?"  I think I must have irrated him because he says to me, "Ms. Harris your daughter has been without oxygen for 4 hours now. She has been at 27 %. She is gray in color. She near death, you need to prepare yourself. 

I don't know where it came from but I looked him right in the eyes and told him, "I have Faith in GOD!'  And with a snappy retorte he said to me, "your gonna need it." With that he got up and walked out of the room. I was stunned. I immediately fell to my knees and kicked my shoes off and preceeded to pray. My daughter left the room with the Pastor and went to the Chapel. My sister Lynn and sister in law Norma got onto the floor with me and we prayed together. I prayed like I have never prayed before. I remember telling God, "Father, I can not raise her children. I've done my job. This is not my job. You can't have me do this job too. Its not fair!" "You have to save her father, I can't do this on my own!"  I just kept repeating this over and over and over.  While in pray I can remember hearing Kevin who is so angry at this point having finally come to grips with the death of his son, he's yelling at me and my family while we are on the floor praying and he's saying, "what's that gonna do?"  "How is that gonna help her now?"  All I could think of was how sad I felt for him not to have GOD in his life right now when he needed Him the most.  I sat on the floor for to what seems like hours, but had only actually been minutes. I sat there just telling GOD over and over this is not the plan, this is not how her life and my life were suppose to transpire. This was NOT MY LIFE from now on! Over and over again I repeated this in my prayer and in my head. Finally I just lifted my head and just sat there, I had no energy to move. My family that remained in the room were all on the floor with me, all huddled together linked as one unit.  A beautiful prayer chain. 

So many prayers being lifted up to heaven, tiny bursts of light being lifted upward on air currents to the heavenly realm holding my prayer and my sisters prayer and my daughters and everyone who was a witness to what was happening to my child. All these prayers just going up to GOD, and all I could do was sit and wait.  Hang on to the Faith that my religion calls me to hold on at times like these. Hold on to your faith and you will have peace. I'm not so sure about that, but I do know I had complete faith in God, and I knew he could do anything, anything in the whole world. He made this entire world , how could he not clear my daughters lungs? How simple is that not to my GOD? So yes, I had great faith and I stood on that as I sat there waiting to hear from the ICU doctors.  One by one we all collected ourselves and waited. Amber came back by herself, no Pastor with her.  I sat there numb, looking at my hands, picking at my nails. Not wanting to talk to anyone, closing myself off to the possible horror that was to walk through the door next.  I looked up as the doctor walked in,  pure terror gripping my stomach as he walked in and stood there. I stood up, I couldn't sit there as he talked to me. I couldn't be meek, I had to be strong. He looked me in the eyes and as I looked back I saw not a look of condolence but of shock. "Ms. Harris, I don't know how to say this, but your daughter has gone from 27% oxygen to 100%."  "We are still working on your daughter, and I really don't have a good answer for you as to why her numbers jumped like they have, it is good that she is at 100%, but I don't want you to get your hopes up."  I just looked at him. No need to explain it away to me. No need at all.  I knew in my heart why her numbers were up.  My prayers were being answered and that was all that I needed to know. I asked the doctor if I could go back and see Carrie and he said that I could go back with him.  I followed behind him, quietly.  This time seeing Carrie it was different. There weren't 20 different people working on her.  There was the life support machine, making the noises and the "wall" of IV's of which I have never in my life seen so many hooked up to one human being,