the bibs & bobs

Letters to a Dead Girl

To Cassie,

We didn’t mean to kill you. Not now, not ever; not at all. It just happened.

And I’m so, so terribly sorry – we all are.

It all just happened really fast, but you knew that. You were there.

It was so scary Cassie; I was so scared I could have shit my pants. I wanted to help, I did, I just… couldn’t.

Did it hurt? Were you in pain? Did you know what was happening? How freaked out everyone was the second you fell into the water? How we held our breath and waited for you get up again and go crazy at us like you should have done – but didn’t?

I myself don’t even know what the hell went down, but I’ll go over it okay? Just for you. Maybe if you ever read these letters you can remember what you remembered, maybe you can send one back and then tell me alright?

But dead people don’t walk or talk, they certainly don’t write or send letters either. On the other hand here goes nothing I guess.

On the 10th of July, a Wednesday night during the second holidays of the year – after the half year exams – me, you and our group held a little get together at your house. Your parents were away for the holidays, and I was sleeping over for the most of it, but for that one night; for the get together; we were all sleeping over.

Jacob, Dylan, Aimee, you and Michael and I.

Dylan brought the drinks along with Michael. You and I bought the food. And surprise, surprise, Jacob brought the drugs.

Maybe it was Jacob’s fault; maybe if he hadn’t brought drugs into the equation it all could have been avoided. But he brought it. And everything happened the way it did.

I remembered how hyped up and excited everyone was; the first ever drink up at a friend’s house where we didn’t have to hide and be on lookout for parents the whole time; the first ever sleepover where we’d all be together and not know what was going to happen.

I remember how it was practically freezing outside, and yet some idiot suggested we go out there, to sit around the pool, to get drunk. At the time it sounded like a great idea so we all piled out and shared around the drinks, took turns taking shots and laughing and giggling like the drunk idiots we were.

I don’t even remember three quarters of the shit we were talking about.

I knew that after a few shots you started to get worried. Very worried. What with the night almost pitched black and the neighbours possibly hearing us, the fact that there was a deep pool not far away from where we all sat, huddled and foolish.

We all told you to relax once we felt your vibe, and being the good friend I thought I was I agreed with them and handed you another bottle of vodka. You drank it. We cheered.

Soon enough I found myself hooking up with Jacob who had been sitting next to me, pressing his heat against me and keeping me warm. And when we kissed I was even warmer.

No one seemed to mind obviously, or maybe you did, but no one said a thing as it wasn’t the first time this had happened. Jake and I had a tendency to do things when we were drunk.

But you already knew that.

Before I knew it we were all lying on our backs staring up at the starry sky, including you who finally seemed at ease by my left.

“This is great,” Tara sighed from where ever she was lying down – probably by Michael.

Everyone agreed in their sluggish ways which only made us all giggle.

“I have something to make it even better,” Jacob suggested as he sat up and pulled something from his pocket.

It was weed. And Cass, please don’t be upset with me, but for some reason, in my drunken state, I thought it was a great idea. After all, neither of us had done it before. Except maybe Jacob and Dylan a few times. But other than that we were all clean and innocent.

So I grinned and reached for the bag, but before I could open it you snatched it away from me and stood up, unsteady on your feet, but sure.

I knew why you didn’t want to do it. I knew you were scared because your uncle almost died from it a month ago. I knew I should’ve been on your side. But instead we all got upset at you and when I got up and went to get it back you refused to hand it over.

“Cass, it’s not funny. I paid for that. Michael and I did,” Jake said with slight annoyance as he and Dylan stood up as well.

“No, this is my house. We are not doing drugs. We don’t need it,” you had said with a deep worried frown as you saw me sway on my feet and giggle, but you were swaying too, even I could see that.

I have no idea what I was even giggling about but hell, I did. I even sat back down and looked up at the sky with a grin. The stars were beautiful, that much I remember; I remember wishing I could stay in this hyper happy state forever.

“You don’t have to do it,” Mikey growled as he reached for you even as you stepped away.

“No,” you said firmly, “not at my house. You boys can have it back tomorrow morning but for now I’m putting it away. We are not blazing up under my roof.”

“Cassie, don’t be a bitch,” Tara pleaded beside me from where she shifted over to lean her head on my shoulder, “c’mon, it’ll be good. I swear.”

“Cass baby, c'mon, we’ll all be together anyway,” Dylan said from where he stood beside a calm Jacob. Dylan called everyone baby, or sweetie, or darl’ – I don’t know why, neither of us cared either.

“We’re not even under you roof!” Michael growled as he stepped forward and made you step back.

The open shining pool was right behind you. One more tiny step and you would have felt the edge of it against your heel. One more tiny step and maybe you wouldn’t have died.

“Fuck you Michael, I said no!” You squealed at him causing me to stand up. I don’t know why I did it. I think it kind of clicked that if you took one more step backward, tiny or not, you would have fallen what with the way you were swaying.

“Cass-” I had reached out my hand as if to catch you but we were way too far away to be caught by me even if I had jumped. I was too late. The second you said no Michael had growled and went to grab for you again but you jumped back so suddenly you couldn’t even break the fall with your hands as you tried in vain to turn your body, during the fall, and fell straight into the pool – the bag of weed fluttering to the ground in front of Michael.

We all heard you struggling. We all watched as the water dragged your fighting, sluggish, drunken body down and killed you. But no one moved. Especially not Michael who had his hands out right where you had been standing only moments ago.

No one could breathe. At least I couldn’t.

And like I said before, I think we were all just kind of waiting. For what? I don’t know. But I knew I was waiting for you to swim right up and start yelling at us again. You were always great at swimming. I guess I was just waiting and hoping to God that you would stand up and scream your head off at us about how stupid we were.

But you never did.

The only time you came up for air, wasn’t really even for air. It was because you were dead. It was because you were too drunk to swim as we had been too drunk to react and you died.

And I think I died a little when I realised that too.

The fact that we watched you die.

We let it happen.

And I am so, so sorry.

Love always,

       Your best friend, 

                    Chelsea.