When We Grow Up

Chapter 1

Bzzt.
Bzzt.
Bzzt.
An overtired Louise looks at her phone, silently mouthing the words "Oh my God" to herself.
"Hello?" She groans, and hears her father's cheerful tone on the other line.
"Hey, honey, did I wake you up?" He asks, and she rolls her eyes.
"No, Dad, I was taking a bubble bath at 4 in the morning." She replies.
"Oh, good!" Bob says, obviously not hearing her sarcastic tone. "Do you know what's happening next weekend?"
"Happy birthday." She groans, rolling over onto her side.
"No, Louise." Bob replies, sighing.
"Is it my birthday?" She asks.
"No, it's the restaurant's birthday." Bob says. Louise forces her eyes open.
"Tell Gene happy birthday for me." She mumbles.
Bob takes a deep breath. "No, Louise. The restaurant. Your brother is not the restaurant."
"Happy birthday to you." She sings sleepily. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Well, your mother and I wanted to make sure you had enough time to get home for the celebration." Bob says, and he hears his daughter yawn on the other end of the line.
"Yeah, yeah, great, Tim, I'll see you at 7." She replies with another yawn.
"Louise." Bob says. She sighs, knowing she can't end this phone call yet.
"Okay, yeah, great, Dad, I'll see what I can do." She mutters. "Can I go back to bed?"
She can almost hear her father roll his eyes. "No, Louise, you have a job."
"But it's four in the morning." She whines. "Daddy, I need to sleep."
"Okay, Louise. I'll let you sleep if you promise you'll be here next weekend."
"Sure, I promise, whatever. I have a demanding job, you know." She retorts.
"You also have a demanding father, so be here." Bob replies, and she takes a deep breath.
"I'll see what I can do." She says. Oh God, she's going to need about six cups of coffee this morning.
"Love you." Bob says, and she rolls her eyes.
"If you did you wouldn't have called so early." She replies, and rolls back over when she hears the line go dead.

~~~~~~~

"DADDYYYYYYY!" Gene hears, recognizing the scream of his younger daughter.
"What?" He says, sitting up. Her knees are on his stomach. It's not very comfortable but he doesn't really mind. "Lynne, are you okay?"
"Good, you're awake." She says, her missing front teeth causing a waterfall of spit to fly into her father's face. "There's a spider. In the hallway. And I'm super scared of it. You've gotta kill it."
Gene sighs, looking over at the clock. God, it's so early. Why can't children sleep?
He looks over, noticing Courtney isn't in bed beside him. "Can't Mom kill it?" He asks, and his daughter shakes her head.
"No. Mommy's scared of it. And Raquel is still asleep."
And then Gene hears the loud whimpering. Oh man.
"Hold on a second, Super Dad's on the way to kill the spider." Gene says, picking up his daughter and preparing to leave the room when he hears a familiar song playing out of his phone.
Rock Lobster. His ringtone.
He looks down to see the Caller I.D., and notices it's his father. Crap, he's got to take this.
"Lynne," he says, putting his daughter down. "Go wake up your sister. Super Dad's got an important call."
Lynne looks up at him with a look of sheer guilt. He didn't know that was possible. "You told me not to wake her up." She accuses, and he sighs.
"Well, this is an emergency and Raquel isn't scared of spiders." Gene says, and answers the phone, although he wishes he could hear the rest of the song play first.
"Gene?" His father says.
"Yeah?" Gene replies. "Hi, Dad."
"You're coming next weekend, right?" Bob asks, and Gene takes a minute to recap what exactly he's committed to doing.
"Uh, yeah." He says. "Just in case I forgot, what's happening?"
Bob sighs loudly. "The anniversary of our restaurant. 20 years. Gene, I told you this yesterday."
"And I forgot." Gene says. "I had a ballet class and an essay to rewrite yesterday."
Gene knows that Bob takes a minute to figure out that his son wasn't writing essays and taking ballet class. "For the girls?" Bob asks, and Gene sighs.
"No, Dad, I just decided to become a five-year-old girl yesterday." He says. "Yes, for the girls."
"Okay." Bob replies. "So you're coming?"
"All weekend?" Gene asks. He knows that one of the girls has a birthday party to go to but he can't remember which one or when the party is.
"Yeah, all weekend. You can take a break." Bob says. "This is important. We even got Louise to come."
Gene's eyes widen. "Isn't it four in the morning in Manhattan?"
Gene can hear his father's heavy breathing as he nods. "Uh, yeah. She was awake taking a bath so it's okay."
Louise, awake at four in the morning? Gene highly doubts it.
"You're coming." Bob decides. Gene sighs.
"Got it." He says. He hears a loud scream from down the hall. "Well, I've got some Super Dad-ing to do."
"Bye." Bob says, and Gene ends the call before running down the hallway, pajama shirt flying out behind him like a cape.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mom, where are my pants?" Tina hears, and looks up from her pancake skillet. Her twelve-year-old son is standing behind her in his pantless glory.
"Did you check your drawers?" She asks, and Alfonzo looks down.
"No." He mutters, walking off. It's not long before her daughter comes in with her shirt on inside-out and backwards.  Tina sighs, knowing that her ever-famous buttcakes will have to wait a minute.
"Mom, my shirt is itchy." Mattie complains. Tina rolls her eyes.
"Inside out OR backwards. You have to choose one." Tina says. "Otherwise it's anarchy."
Mattie sighs. "It looks better this way. It's reversible."
"No, it's not." Tina replies. "Did your brother find his pants?"
Mattie shrugs. "I dunno." She says, turning her shirt around. "Better?" She asks.
"At least the tag's in the back." Tina says, looking back at her buttcakes. Almost done.
"MOOOOOOOM." Tina hears, and turns around to see her oldest son holding his sneakers. "I need new shoes."
"They're fine." Tina says, and Chester pulls on the end of the shoe, which then falls onto the floor.
"Still fine." Tina repeats. "Just use duct tape."
"The only duct tape we have has that stupid horse show Mattie loves on it." Chester groans. "It's embarrassing."
Tina looks at her buttcakes. "I like that show." She mumbles. "Go find your dad. He might have some tape."
She hears the phone ring over all of the chaos, and looks down at her skillet. Crap, they're still not done.
"Jimmy, can you get the phone?" She yells, and hears the shower turn on. Of course.
"Mattie, watch the buttcakes." Tina says, handing her daughter a spatula and running towards the landline.
"Hello?" Tina says, holding the phone up to her ear.
"You're coming, right?" Bob says, and Tina looks up at her calendar.
Coming to what?
School play, soccer game, piano lesson, another soccer game, Bob's Burgers anniversary, laundry day, Mattie's night for dishes- wait a second.
"To the...anniversary party from noon to five on next Saturday?" Tina asks. "It's on the calendar."
"MOOOOOOM! The stove is doing that thing again!" Mattie yells, and Tina looks over to see smoke.
"TURN IT OFF!" She yells, and hears her father's concerned tone. "Should I call another time?"
"No, you're fine." Tina says, stretching the phone cord as far as it can go. Oh, please don't let Mattie have set her hair on fire again.
"MOM! My pants are dirty!" Alfonzo complains. He holds up a pair of brown pants, and Tina sighs.
"They're just brown pants, Al." She says. "They're not dirty."
"Oh." Alfonzo says, putting on the pants backwards. Tina can't deal with this today.
"They don't fit." Alfonzo says, and Tina notices he can barely get them up to his knees.
"Those aren't your pants." She says. "Those are your sister's pants."
Mattie looks over from the smoking stove. "MOM! He's wearing my pants again!" She whines.
"MATTIE! TURN OFF THE STOVE!" Tina yells, and Mattie looks down at the knobs, confused.
"Which one is off?" She asks. Tina sighs.
"I'll call you back, Dad." She says, rushing over to turn off the stove.
"Mom, Mattie's pants are stuck on my legs." Alfonzo complains. Chester bangs on the bathroom door, yelling about duct tape.
"MOM! Make him take off my pants! He's getting his gross boy stuff all over my pants!" Mattie yells.
Tina looks over in the pancake skillet. A little burnt, but not bad considering the circumstances.
"BREAKFAST!" She yells, getting out the plates.
Chester sulks over, grabbing a plate. "Dad doesn't have any tape." He says.
Tina sighs. "If you don't want the horse tape you can just wear other shoes."
Chester groans. "None of my other shoes are cool."
"Then you can wear my shoes." Tina says. Chester's eyes widen.
"Gross, no way." He replies. "I'll wear Dad's shoes."
"Don't wear my shoes." Jimmy says, walking into the kitchen. "Wear your brother's shoes."
"His shoes are weird. They light up." Chester complains. Alfonzo shoots him a glare.
"Mattie's pants are still stuck." Alfonzo says. Tina sighs.
"Mattie, get the butter and start rubbing it on your brother's legs." Tina says. "We've got a long day ahead of us and we can't afford to be late for school."