SomewhatDistracted Critiques

Eh, Writing Guides

I'll admit that I love to read writing guides...but I don't like to write them.

You: What? SomewhatDistracted doesn't like to write writing guides? You've got to be kidding, either that or you're inebri-whatevered again. That's got to be it; Somewhat has had too much to drink.

Me: I was being serious. And I haven't had any wine. Yet. I might be drinking by the end of this, but that's another story written by a much better writer.

You: But how is that possible?

 It just is. Yes, I can write a book like Seriously, Horrible that is essentially a writing guide...but we all know it's different. It's not the typical "you need to do this, that, and not do that" book. It's more the kind where I show you what not to do and you figure out what's so bad about it. I guess you could say it's my way of showing instead of telling.

If I had written S, H in a typical writing guide format, I would have come off as arrogant and you would have left not laughing. Okay. Maybe you would have laughed, but it would have been at me for being a complete idiot and it wouldn't have been as much or as loud. And you wouldn't have been gawked at by strangers in the coffee shop as you read the story. What I'm saying is that probably you would have been bored and annoyed. Maybe both. Yikes. Nothing worse to a writer than a bored and annoyed reader.

I've seen so many writing guides on here and I started and deleted my writing guide probably ten times before I was possessed by a certain Teen Vamp with a Really Long Name. I never published that early advice because I knew I'd come off as a buffoon, harpoon, baboon, loon, or just someone whose ego had ballooned to the size of Texas. Not sure which you would have interpreted me as. Hopefully it would have been none of those, but it  probably would have been a combination--a buff harbaloon. 

Believe it or not, I've started and deleted this particular rant at least four times now. I have done so because I don't like being a buff barbaloon. I don't want to come off as that person who is a jerk out to hurt people while making an egotistical crazy monkey of herself in the process. I'd rather build. I don't like telling a person how to write. I don't mind telling people how to improve their stories and what to look for as they edit....but what, exactly, is my qualification for penning a writing guide? 

What are the qualifications of a number of the people who author writing guides on this site? I'll admit that there are a number of people on this site who are very qualified to write their guides...but I don't count myself as one of those people... There are also a number of people who are posting writing guides when, in fact, they should be READING them, preferably ones written by people who actually know how to write. 

I am going to take a leap and risk sounding like a buff harbaloon (I really should copyright that term), in that I'm going to offer you the two REAL rules for writing. That's write. Two. Only two. The first is the only real rule and the second is more to protect your mental well-being from the havoc caused by the first.

Here goes:

1. Don't bore the reader.

2. Know your audience.

That's it. The first rule is a doozy though. Poor grammar, repeating your words too frequently, horrible sentence structure, Mary-Sue characters, no conflict....all of those things will bore your reader quickly. But every so-called rule that a buff harbaloon can throw at you in his/her writing guide will come down to the rule of not boring the reader. And some of a reader's opinion will come down to that second rule. If s/he isn't in your target audience, it may not be a problem with the writing....unless everyone is saying the same thing.

If you can write a story in which you do not bore the reader in your target audience, then you will have a special story. 

Rant over.