Poems & Short Stories

Untitled Poem

{Date written: 2/?/16}

I'm standing in front of my calendar
       And I can't believe how many days
       Have gone by that we haven't spoken

And I can't believe how many days will go by that we will not speak

We will continue to pretend
                   That we never met
            That we never shared anything
            That we don't know everything                            
                                   about each other
                   That we never loved
                                          eachother

Or maybe it was just me who fell
      Because I know I wasn't so special
      I know I didn't mean much

But I'm still standing in front of my calendar
            Wondering if you wonder about me

Wondering if you check my profile
                    Like I check yours
Wondering if you've
                     Met someone new
Wondering if you've
                      Slept with someone new
Wondering if you're
                     In love with someone new

And I'm still standing here in front of my calendar
        Thinking that May 31
        Will pass this year and it won't mean anything anymore

Just like
           June 17 will pass
                      And July 8
                                And August 5

And you're birthday will come along
          And I'll want to send you a message
          Even though my birthday came and passed with no word

And I will kill myself wondering
          If you miss me as much as I've missed you

But here I still am
         Staring at this stupid Pink Floyd themed calendar

Still trying to figure out why
        we didn't work
Still trying to figure out why
      I wasn't as important to you as you
         were to me

And I don't understand how time went by so fast
And you won't be here next year when I graduate
         Instead you'll be in Colorado
         With someone new

But I'll still check your profile
         Just to make sure you're still alive
                    and well

But right now I just want to rip my calendar off the wall
        And I want things to stop moving
        so fast
                    And I just wish you'd
                    come back

And I want to tear the sheets off of my bed
   Because even though I washed them
     They are still the sheets I learned to
                          trust you on

They are the sheets I smiled into
        When you sent me a cute picture
They are the sheets I moaned into
        When you touched me that day
They are the sheets I cried into
         When we were done
The sheets I screamed into
     Because I couldn't stand the pain of
          Losing you
The sheets I sat on
          Hoping that the ceiling would    
       collapse down on me because you
          weren't mine anymore

But now that I think of it
   I'm sure that you were never mine to  
       begin with

And that is a sad, sad realization
      Because loving you,
        That was the last thing I felt really
              Good at
Loving you was the one thing
           I never thought I'd fuck up
                                    But I was wrong.

And here I am
          Still looking at this calendar trying to think about
            How fun summer will be
      Or how cool being a senior will be
            Or what being 18 will be like
        Or how great moving out will be

But all I can't think is how bland it will be without you
          And how I wish I had loved you better so maybe we'd still talk

But now I'm laying on the floor
   Clutching this goddamn calendar like
         It's my lifeline

And I can't stop crying
        All because I stared at my calendar
   Long enough to realize how fast time
                   Is passing me by

Long enough to realize just how much time I've wasted wishing things weren't the way they are

I fall asleep this way
         Spooning my calendar
And when I wake up hours later
     I tack my calendar back on the wall
      And I take the sheets off of my bed

Because what good is having sheets
       That tangle themselves around your heart as you sleep?

How do I expect myself to move on
    if I'm sleeping on every memory of you?

So I take the sheets off of my bed.