Poems & Short Stories

Pep Assembly Flashbacks.

Rushing rushing rushing

Find a seat. Oh no, not by that person.
Oh god, I almost fell down the stairs.

There's a seat! Sit down, don't make a fool of yourself. Remain undetected.

So much yelling, too much yelling. The boy on my left is yelling in my ear so I yell back. "Shut the fuck up!"

Nice. Great job at going undetected.

There's the band, I like the band. Oh god. Oh no, they're going to play the school song.

"We are the proud, mighty Jaguars fighting for VHS..." The music echoes in my head.

Flashbacks. Like a movie rolling behind my eyelids. I can't turn it off. Where's the remote?!

Freshman year.

"Whore, slut, freak, bitch, stupid." The dialogue in this movie is making me cringe.

I want to open my eyes but they're glued shut. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to run away. But all that's left to me is this movie playing behind my eyes.

"Did you hear what she let him do to her?"

I want to scream, "Did you hear the truth?!"

But it's too late, much too late. Years too late.

The rumours stopped but they will always be begging for my attention in the back of my mind.

The movie just keeps playing.

There I am, sitting on my bed, staring at the handful of pills I'm holding.

I can feel myself shaking, the me that is sitting in a gym full of people.

The me in the movie is calm and collected. And one by one I begin swallowing pill after pill. Saying the reasons out loud. Getting dizzier after each pill.

The me in the gym is shaking uncontrollably, losing my breath.

Dizzy dizzy dizzy.

We're both dizzy. And all I feel is falling. Falling down the rabbit hole into an abyss full of memories.

Memories of crying at school, begging people to believe me when I should've demanded, skipping classes so I wouldn't have to see certain people. Skipping classes to see certain people, smoking in bathrooms just to get myself through the day. Faking report cards so I wouldn't have to face my mom. Facing my mom with a fucked up report card. Running a razor across my skin praying for the courage to press down. Pressing down without the courage. Swallowing pill after pill just wanting to disappear. Waking up in a hospital bed. And going to school again even after that. Sleeping in class because I couldn't sleep at home. And the pep assembly with him.

Ah yes, the glorious pep assembly that started it all.

I liked a boy and it seemed as though he liked me. And he wanted to hang out during the pep assembly. Although he wanted to hang out in an empty room across the hall from the gym.

But I was young and clueless and smitten with a cute, older boy.

And so I went into this room with him and he kissed me. A wonderful, innocent kiss. That turned into something not so innocent.

Then he grabbed me in a place I wasn't used to being grabbed. I protested but he was persistent.

I pushed him away, but he was stronger than me. I screamed but the band was louder... "We are the proud mighty Jaguars fighting for VHS..."

Eventually I was able to get away, with my virginty in tact, mind you.

But that did not stop the hurricane of rumours and dirty looks that bcame after.

I just want to forget but the movie is still playing. With the school anthem playing as the background music.

Until finally, finally the music stops the memories fade. My breathing becomes normal and I stop shaking but now instead of sitting where I was before, I'm by the door leading into the room where it all began.

My heart begs me not to open the door but my mind is so curious.