Unsent Letters to You

Nightmares

Dear The One That Got Away (TOTGA),

I'm the type of person that rarely dreams or if ever I did, I mostly don't remember it. There are only certain times that I remember my dreams and the count wouldn't even get past my fingers. But its a different talk when it comes to nightmares. If I rarely dream, I often had nightmares and I couldn't count how many bad nights I've had. But I got used to it. I already got used to waking up in the middle of the night with sweat all over my face and with my ragged breathing filling up my room. I already got used to waking up screaming and grasping the sheets of my bed. I already got used to jolting my eyes open and panting for air. I already got used to it real good, that I knew I only had to count one to ten before going back to sleep.

But when I met you everything I got used to went to a melt down. No I still don't get good dreams to share. Yes nightmares still filled my nights. But I no longer need to count to calm my breathing and continue my slumber. I only need your voice to listen to. Your voice became the safe haven from my nightmares. I only need your soothing words to calm me down. Your words became my blanket from the torturous dreams. I only need your presence to know I'm safe. Your presence became my shield that continuously protects me from gruesome nights. I only need to know you're on the other side of the call to be able to go back to sleeping soundly. You became my cure to my inescapable nightmares and I was okay with that.

I loved the way you turned my screams into a steady slow rising of my chest as I find my way back to sleep. I loved the way you silenced the demons threatening to once again invade my head. I loved the way your voice sounded music to my ears that lulls me to close my eyes. I loved the way you enveloped my head with comfort to ease my fear. I loved the way you shut downed the horrors that kept on flashing on my head. I loved the way you just walked in to my life and showed me its okay to be scared of my nightmares because you were there for me.

Then I remembered you telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you. I remembered being everything you could ever asked for. I remembered being imperfect but definitely perfect for you. I remembered being your dream come true. I remembered everything but I didn't know when did I became a nightmare. I didn't know how my nightmares took over me. I didn't know. I became your worst nightmare that is also being hunted by her own nightmares, and maybe that drove you off.

I gave you scars when I should've been the one to heal them. I gave you tears when I should've been the one to wipe out. I gave you sadness when I should've been the one making you happy. I made you scream with fear at night because of the things I've done. I made you cry each time you wake up because you remembered how painful it was. I made you whimper everytime you sleep because you're scared of feeling it again. I became your worst nightmare that you don't even want to go back to sleep, that you opted to stay awake than to close your eyes, that you never wished I never happened to you.

Now that you've woken up from me, I wished I knew at what point did I start to be your nightmare. I wished my demons didn't caught up with me in the first place. So maybe you wouldn't have chosen me to be out of your system. I wished so hard, but I knew it couldn't and wouldn't change a thing. Because now, I don't know how to silence my demons anymore. I don't know how to stop the nightmares every night. The counting won't work, and so is the sleeping pills I had to take to actually fall asleep. I don't know either how to stop being a nightmare and hurting people around me. The alone time I asked won't work, and so is the time off I asked to actually fix myself. But I'm wishing I can get used to the feeling of having nightmares, again. And I'm hoping one day it will all stop.

Hopefully.

And it wouldn't be because of the counting, the pills, the alone time and the space.
But it would be because I faced them, without you.

I bet you'd be proud of me.

Love,
Nicole