Pt.1
Losing friends.
"Someone asked me if I knew you, a million memories flashed through my mind, I just smiled and said 'I used to'"
It's kind messed up isn't it? All the sudden, someone wakes up and decides never to talk to you again. No Reason. No explanation. No words said. They Just leave you hanging like you never meant anything to them, and what hurt the most is they made it look so easy.
Everyone is changing now,
People are forgetting who they are, everyone just wants to fit in. Sometimes in order to fit in, that means people will change, people with leave, and most likely, you'll do the same.
Slowly as the years go on, you'll lose friends you never thought you would.
There's nothing worse than losing a friend. You just wake up one day and they just decide they don't like you anymore. They ignore you, hurt you, break promises, and seemingly forget all those memories. It's truly sad, especially when you did nothing wrong.
June 15th, 2016 10:24pm
I lost my childhood friend today. I didn't see it coming but at the same time I did, you know? Like I saw all the signs, she was distant, she's been for the past couple of months, I thought nothing of it. I waved to her in class and she yells "we're not friends anymore" it didn't occur to me what she said so I just laughed until I saw the seriousness and coldness in her eyes. I looked at another girl I knew in class, and she was clueless as to what happened until she saw my state and looked at the girl whom I thought was my friend. I told her how out of the blue this was. She kept asking me if I was okay, and me trying not to get into anything, I acted like I didn't care and that I was fine.
This girl,
I had been friends with her since preschool. I thought those people were supposed to stay with you and support you.
I was too hurt to even ask her what i had done, but now there's only two things I could think of, the fact that maybe 3 months ago she said fustraded instead of frustrated and I had laughed a lot about it and if she says it again, I'll correct her, or I had told all my 'friends' that I can't trust them, and I think that's where I went wrong.
But what was I supposed to do? Lie? I wanted to be completely truthful with them so they would do the same with me. What are you supposed to do when people are telling you to be truthful but then shun you for doing so?
Pt. 2
"Grief is like the ocean,
It comes in waves.
Ebbing and flowing.
Sometimes the water is calm,
Sometimes it's overwhelming,
But all we can do is learn how to swim" -Vicki Harrison
It's okay to walk out of someone's life if you feel like you don't belong anymore.
If you need to get away from someone, you have every reason to do so. Don't force yourself into something.
I think the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness left inside your heart when they go.
Be careful with what you do to try to fill that void.
Do not, by any means, think hurting yourself is ever the answer. I have learned form personal experience that if you do it once, you'll think it's okay, you'll get used to the feeling and get satisfaction from it.
For me, I thought there was something very romantic about it, I don't mean some love story where the broken girl gets saved by the boy of her dreams, I mean I was in love with the fact that I had control over that, I was able to put all of my pain and heartache into something and then with the slice of a blade, every would fade.
But that's just it, everything would fade except that scar I made, then looking at those scars, I'd feel so bad about myself that I had to do that, that I would cut again, and again. Every one deeper, every time, more, in different spots, I even made a good amount look like I just fell or my cat scratched me, so nobody would worry.
I was addicted to self destruction, and I thought it was okay.
I'm still struggling with it, I do slip here and there, but I've gotten better.
Every time I think about it, I think about it really hard.
Do you really want to put that thing to your skin and create a mess?
Do you want to feel that pain right now?
Can you control being triggered?
You can just talk to someone or distract yourself, you know?
Just go look for quotes on Instagram.
That's the process.
It's easy.
There are still slip ups but I've gotten better.
You can get better.
"In your worst moments, where you are staring into the blackest hole, the razor-lined mouth of a vicious, rabid animal- when you aren't good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough- when the worst thing inside you chooses to attack- it is temporary. Likewise, when you are in those moments of pure joy, surrounded by your loved ones, high scoring skee-ball, holding your best friends hand at a concert- it is also temporary.
And that is ok.
-Gerard way"
