I dream of having five sons. Five sons with a man who loves me and cherishes me and treats me like the queen im maturing to be. I didn't think I would be here, in this hospital, birthing a child for a person who's lack of interest in me shines brighter than the goals, aspirations and ambition he carries within himself. I'm not his queen nor do I come close to his princess. I'm nothing more, nothing less than his "bitch", his babygirl, his shorty and when we're not around others I'm lucky enough to be his bae.
I dream of living in a nice neighborhood with my five children, my five little boys, my pride and joys. Instead I live in a two story house filled with hatred, sorrow and pain. A home I'm scared to leave when it's day and scared to enter when it's night. I dream and I dream and I dream to forget the harsh reality i'm faced with, to mask the pain inside of me, to escape the sorrow and hatred surrounding me. I don't want to be here, I don't need to be here.
I dream of a love so deep the ocean would be jealous. I read love is like oxygen. You need it to stay alive. I want love. All I want is love. Real love. True love. An everlasting love. To love something is to be free. I want to feel free. Why haven't I ever felt free? To love is to feel safe. Why haven't I ever felt safe? To love, to love is to be kept. Why won't anyone keep me?
I dream of being with warm-hearted, tender, educated friends on a Saturday night but instead I sit all alone in Margrid County Hospital. Unloved, unkept and unsafe. I gave birth to a life, a human-being, a person. I'm labeled a mother now. To be a mother is to give birth. To be a mom is to love, keep, honor, cherish, teach, represent, lead and bestow all great things into the life you've created. I've never been loved, kept, taught, honored, cherished, taught, had anyone represent for me or filled with knowledge that would've made me great. How can I love?
