My pain goes back 15 years. My innocence, I don't recall having. Exposed to pain, hurt and sorrow. Unable to be positive and optimistic due to my surroundings. Unable to be vulnerable due to trust issues.
I tried. I tried to feel love. I thought I loved. Thought he loved. He didn't. How did I let a boy, take all my honor?How did I let someone strip me of integrity? Did I ever have any?
Sitting in this hospital staring into the bassinet of my seed. A seed comes from a flower. Flowers blossom, seeds sprout to blossom. I've given birth to a babygirl who I'm supposed to love and care after. How? When I can't love and care for myself.
I've been made aware of my options. Selfish. I'm selfish, was selfish for even considering and contemplating on the thought of ending the life of my seed who was then just an embryo. Selfish for thinking about giving up the life I created. The life who didn't wish to be here. The life that was made through carelessness. The life I didn't think I could have made.
She's named Ayana Deka-Furaha Maalouf. Ayana meaning beautiful blossom. She's going to be better than me, more than me. Deka meaning the pleasing one. She'll walk with grace and she'll lead by example. Furaha meaning delight. Maalouf meaning exempted. She'll be more than the Maaloufs that came before her, to better the Maaloufs after her. She'll be understanding, loving, compassionate and gracious.
Fifteen years old. Only fifteen years old im faced with my biggest choice. Do I want to be a mom or a mother. Faced with many obstacles, unable to keep my head held high. No one to lean on or to turn to. Seen as a Jezebel. Never been loved, always craved it.
