For Yuu (Memoir to "Doll")

Dear Younger Me

My location: In the bathroom. Defecating.

Well, if I'm being honest.

Anyways.

Dear younger me,

I'm not sure why I decided to message a no longer existent era of myself on the toilet but, I guess I was randomly thinking about how I came to discover who I was as a person.

You were very very confused, younger me.

You cried and wept because school made you decide between the bathrooms. You brooded in your room and sobbed to yourself for you knew mother desired for you to be yourself but you were frightened that you were not exactly whom she envisioned. Of course she did not picture you like everyone else had, with some beautiful bride and married with a family. She just pictured you happy.

I recall you laying awake at night in tears because you didn't know if you wanted to marry a boy or a girl. You wanted to reach your happy destination, but you had this messy blockage of confusion in between the road.

I wish I could go back in time some days and go pat my little self on the head.

I struggled for no reason.

That is such a little part of my life, but at my age seemed so big to me. There's no reason to struggle, little me. You can be upset about the amount of time it'll take to come to you, but even that's not worth it. There's so much more to life.

I'm glad modeling cleared it up for you.

You like boys clothes and girls clothes. No more bathroom crisis because modeling isn't about the person, it's about the expression. Even mommy said you don't have to be a boy or a girl. She just said be alive and happy.

But even at eighteen I still had questions about falling in love. I still was clueless as to who I wanted to marry or if I wanted to marry at all. I really had no time to discover my sexuality until the answer was already just waiting for me to turn around to it.

Even then, it still wasn't a black or white answer. It was just "happiness".

So then I just wandered off to preference.

This section of my mind is destroyed. I couldn't pick between one or the other. I wanted something right in the middle so I wouldn't have to pick.

But Yuu was purely a male, only an iota of a sign of a feminine waist.

Well, even preferences don't matter. Only happiness does. I'm even more in love with his body than he probably is with mine.

And I don't want anyone else.

There is no boy or girl to choose from.

I chose happiness.

So, dear younger me.

Choose happiness. Whoever makes you happy. Eventually, you'll fall in love with them over your preferences.

-

Yuu has read this and feels guilty. He says "oh, that must have been hard. I didn't even know. I just got turned on by whatever video game character kicked the most ass. Link and Princess Zelda were pretty damn hot, too. But, uh, what do you want for dinner tonight?"

That's Yuu for you.