The Change

Chapter Two: Life through my eyes

Safron sat on the desk closest to the ajar windows, she was staring aimlessly out the window, completely ignoring whatever the teacher was saying, she couldn't even remember what class this was, there was a black sparrow on one of the short stumpy tree's squawking at what seems to be nothing, observing the bird and it's incredibly vast range of skills in flight seemed far more interesting to her than what her teacher was saying. She glanced at her teacher for a moment, ah, American History she recalled, to be completely honest she hated this class, the work was boring and she was getting sick of hearing about some dead white guy for hours on edge, it didn't help that her teacher was a fifty-something year old balding man that gave them way too much homework, had a monotone and tired voice that lost her interest in seconds, and never bothered to make anything interesting.

She looked back at the window, the black sparrow had disappeared into the abyss, suddenly she felt some rustling to the right and she looked up to see that everyone was packing up their books and heading out the door, she looked up to the chalkboard and saw 'assignment due Wednesday!' scribbled onto it. She shrugged and slinged her bag onto her shoulder, heading to the door, over a year ago she would have freaked out and asked someone for their notes or at least ask the teacher for an extension, she had no clue what this assignment was about, and that's okay, her grades had slipped from a B+ too an D, and as one of the girls muttered under her breath when she looked over my shoulder and saw my grade 'it can't get any worse than that'. So she figured what's the point of trying? None, exactly.

A year ago, she was dedicated, smart and happy (at least she thought so), but now she didn't care, she had no motivation, no hope and no one to prove her otherwise. And that should scare her to death, but honestly it didn't, you know what did scare her though? The fact that  when the gremlins came last night, the last thought that she thought haunted her all through her sleep and it still haunted her now.

What if I just ended it all now?

She spent her night tossing and turning, repeating that one small sentence over and over again in her head like an undying mantra. What if I just ended it all now?  It was crazy, insane! Or was it?  She can't stop thinking about it and she can't accept the fact that she is considering it. But she is. And she hates herself for it. But it would be so easy to grab a bottle of pills and swallow them all down, it would be so easy to get the gun that my Mom thinks I don't know about in the back of her closet, turn it to me and pull the trigger, it would be so easy to run a bath, go under and never come back up until someone finds me hours later. But that's all crazy talk, right? She could never consider such a ludicrous thing, right? Right? Right?

Wrong.

Because she is considering it, she really is. But she'd never admit that to anyone out loud. No that would be crazy.

Right? Wrong.

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