Snakeroot

6. Decay

After Daddy came at me the way he did, something changed within me.

I don't remember a carefree time in my childhood. There had never been a time when the world seemed wonderful or full of magic. But every once in awhile, there had been the tiniest spark of hope that something better awaited us. After that day, my little spark fizzled out and never came back. And the next morning, as I pulled my long sleeves down over my bruised arms and used Tara's makeup to cover the discoloration on my face, I realized that Snakeroot was nothing more than a decaying hole in the Earth. And we kids were stuck inside, decaying right along with it.

Tara could tell something was different about me. I wasn't sure how, but she knew. Maybe it was because she'd lost her own little spark long ago, so she recognized the darkness in me.

On the way to Ms. Linda's house that morning, she talked to us as she walked.

"I'm gonna tell you girls a secret I have for helping me get through hard times," she told us. "The secret is school."

"School?" I asked, skeptical.

"That's right. School," she said, "because it's your ticket out of this life. If you do good, you can go to a college far away from here. You can live in a nice dorm room with air conditioning and food and a good quiet life. When you graduate, you can get a really good job and not have to depend on anyone else ever again. That's why I always make you girls do your homework."

Now, to anyone else, that might just sound like the same old stuff parents always say. But to me, it sounded like heard of college before, but I'd never imagined actually being able to go. I'd certainly never given much thought to growing up and leaving this place. Did this mean that I could get my spark back one day, if I just worked hard enough?

"Let that be your goal on bad days," said Tara. "Think about school. It won't make anything better right this second, but every bit of effort you make in school now will pay off later."

I didn't say much, but I secretly really liked that thought. So when I got to school that day, I made sure to pay attention to everything all my teachers said. It was hard, because my mind kept trying to go back to the previous night, and as the hours ticked by I found myself dreading going home. But I just kept steering my mind back to my schoolwork every time it threatened to derail. It became sort of a battle, and I understood the war to be school and Daddy to be the enemy, and a good future was the prize. I refused to let him take that from me.

Normally our time at Ms. Linda's house was spent eating snacks and watching TV in her air conditioned living room, but that day all I wanted to do was study. I had my homework done and was reading ahead in my science book when Tara showed up to take us home.

I didn't want to go. I wanted more than anything to stay there with Ms. Linda and her beloved runaways, but I couldn't bear to hassle Tara about it. So I dutifully walked beside her, carrying Tommy so she wouldn't be so worn out later. The closer we got to home, the harder my heart pounded.

The big trailer was silent and dim inside. Daddy's truck and Uncle Henry's car were both parked in front of it. We all slid silently past, hoping to not alert them that we were back. We made it into the camper without any trouble.

It was like that for a little while. Daddy didn't come to the camper, even on days when Juan wasn't there. But there was always the threat that he would, and it hung over us like a storm. My bruises began to fade but my awful feelings didn't. They only grew bigger and stronger, feeding off the darkness inside me.

There was fear. Every noise around the camper made me jump. Every loud noise made me screech. And the nightmares sometimes woke me up - nightmares of being face-down in the dirt unable to move or breathe, swallowing the dust of Snakeroot and ingesting everything I hated. There was humiliation, and the realization that Daddy treated his mangy old dog better than he treated me or any of us kids. There was a deep, dark hurt that I couldn't make sense of. And then there was anger. It was like a monster, screaming inside of me to get out and avenge my little spark. I wanted to hurt him like he'd hurt me, but I knew that I couldn't, so I settled for hating him instead. I never wanted to see his face again as long as I lived.